A Cautionary Tale

[wingover]

Bluebella: "i think somewhere deep down i thought we would miraculously be together again, that he would get clean and come back to me"

Yes..we all wish that dream would come true.

I stopped posting in August when I thought I was free of my CH. He paid every $$ he owed me, and he was employed in another state. I was not responding to, or reading his cards but cashed his checks. Even though I was lonely, I was doing healthy fun stuff with family and friends throughout the summer. But my romantic life was (and is again) non-existent. I have not healed enough of what is missing in me to be a good partner to anyone.. And I made another mistake this summer/fall to remind me of that..I am attracted to men that are unavailable (be it emotionally, or like my ex, on drugs..whatever). Overall, though, I thought I was ok. We were apart for 14 months at that point and with the exception of cashing those checks, I practiced 'no contact'.

But here is the slipperly slope..I was not ok, and I am not proud of this tale:

After the final re-payment check arrived from him, I did not have the courage to cut it off completely. I had a feeling this would be the last I would ever hear from him, and I had this pang of 'what if he is really really ok this time?' enter my consciousness. So I e-mailed him and said thank you for paying me back. I unblocked his e-mail, and allowed him to communicate with me. He was as charming and as sweet and as loving as I remember him. E-mails led to text messages..text messages led to phone calls..phone calls led to meeting him for breakfast when I was passing through his city on a layover. The revived feelings from that meeting in November, and the story he told of his 'healing journey' while he was away from me for 14 months, was enough for me to take another look at him. He also sent me the results of his random drug tests from work as further proof of his health.

The whole fairy tale of "He is clean! We can be together and live happily ever after!!" was something I grabbed on to in spite of the nagging doubt that was rolling around in the pit of my stomach like a sad little gray dustbunny. But I chose to buy the fairy tale anyway. I was damn lonely, I still loved him (still do), and I thought maybe his story of hitting bottom (yet again), and his renewed spirituality, and commitment to staying away from the crack demon was true. In January, I started commuting to where he works to spend time with him..and to quote Forrest Gump, "we were like carrots and peas again!" We did a lot of fun stuff we didn't do before and even though the sad little dustbunnies in my stomach protested that something was not right, I blew them off. Things were great for a few weeks.. He was awesome.

Then came the day, (February 26th) I could not reach him. No 'good morning' text message from him..no way to get in touch with him. He called late that night with a bogus tale of 'tooth trouble', but I already knew.. In spite of knowing he was lying to me, I had him come see me when I was passing through his town again.. He confessed that he completely lied about his so-called 'healing journey'. He was relapsing as much as ever..a functioning addict, but still in trouble. He told me he never sought formal help, but thought moving to a different city would solve the problem. He invented the fairy tale of recovery..maybe as much for himself as much as it was constructed for me. There was only a new town, and a new job..but his drug problem did not loosen its grip for long.

Last Scene (?):
He used again a couple of days ago, and I went to see him one more time. I rented a car and checked into a nearby hotel. I had a half-baked plan of what I was doing there. Mostly, I needed to see the evidence of his use again to shoehorn me back into reality..plus, I am re-addicted to him and wanted to feed that demon in me as well.. His post-crack binge was very damaging to him this time. He had spasms and mini-seizures. He sang and babbled in his restless, spasm-ridden sleep ..this was something new and disturbing to me.. I had never seen this consequence before before. He had burns and a blister on one of his hands. He had diarrhea and partially lost control of his bowels in bed 2 nights in a row. He is in his fifties..I think his end will be grim. Like asw's ex..

I said goodbye this morning. This goodbye was very different. No hysteria this time..just acceptance that he is not going to change, and a grim sadness that I am, no-shit, walking alone once again. It sucks. I won't change my number or block his e-mail..I think I am ok without those measures, for now anyway. I flew home this morning, facing the big 'now what?' in my life. And that is what I need to be working on..me.

[Bean]

Amen.

[sybil]

Wingover,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this again.....sometime it takes us many times before we can fully understand that our love is not enough to make them whole.....lonliness is the downfall for many of us and it causes us to accept many things that are unacceptable.....so be kind to yourself and part of that kindness means not to settle for less than you deserve.....

you wrote: I won't change my number or block his e-mail..I think I am ok without those measures

Is that your way of keeping the door open?.....of not letting go completely.....we fool ourselves and what we must do is everything we can to cut all ties or we are just asking to be hurt over and over......loving a addict is a no win situation only heartache and pain and they will use to their advantage every opening you leave them.. .....use this board to vent, we have all walked it your shoes and understand how hard it is to let go of a dream......

Sybil

[ducky]

A good tale to help newones coming in.and in-between ones and oldies too, welcome back wingover, sometimes
we just need to refresh our theory about this horrible drug and talk to others going through the same thoughts
that you had at the time of contact..

I know I pull away at times thinking I can handle it all and say I have the strength but someone told me once
that recovery is life long. Not to make it sound like a burden but to say that it moves us into a different
direction with situations and helps us to maintain balance.


ducky

[wingover]

Thank you both for your kind words. I am not doing well. For those who have moved on with their lives, I cheer for you (two guns). Recovery will be a lifelong process if I don't learn to move on 'for real' this time. It would be cool if I had moved on to a new guy and had this awesome new life, but I didn't do the hard work required on myself to attract that situation into my own life. I am doing this work now..and letting go of expectations.

I am truly sick of changing my number, but you are right..it sort of lends itself to this 'open door' to hurt, doesn't it? I know he won't call this time, but I will block my e-mail. I think he is done with this relationship with me also. He is embarrassed, sullen, and defensive all at the same time. He lives 1500 miles away and I think he will move on to a new woman quickly and easily.

Anyone hear from Blaze? I hope she moved on and is doing well..haven't seen her post in awhile either. Also, Missthefantasy.. hope she is okay too. Lila..good to see you are doing well..