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Here are the stories submitted to this site by readers. They are uncensored and unedited. If you wish to submit your story, please join the Discussion Group and post it there. Thank you. Your story may be helpful to another person.

Stories Page 1

From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

MY HUSBAND LEFT ME 50 DAYS AGO, WENT TO WORK AND NEVER CAME HOME. I HAVE FILED TWO MISSING REPORTS ON HIM, AND EACH TIME THEY FOUND HIM. LAST TIME HE WAS FOUND 7-24-04, HE TOLD THE COP WE WERE SEPARATED. THIS WAS A SHOCK TO ME, AND I CRIED. WE HAVE GONE TO LOOK FOR HIM X 2, AND EACH TIME HIS FRIENDS LIED WHERE HE WAS. WE SIMPLY WANTED TO TELL HIM HIS BROTHER WAS VERY SICK, AND SINCE THEN HE HAD DIED. HIS FAMILY AND I ARE SO EMOTIONALLY STRESSED OUT, NOT KNOWING WHERE HE IS.
I AM SO GLAD I FOUND YOUR WEBSITE, IT SUCH COMFORT FOR ME NOW.
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT YOU GO THROUGH, I AM JUST MISERBLE.
I MARRIED TO THIS MAN FOR 18 YEARS, AND WE HAVE 2 SONS TOGETHER.
I LEARNED THAT HE HAS BEEN DOING THIS MOSTLY MY WHOLE MARRIED LIFE. MY SISTER WAS ON CRACK ALSO, AND SHE KICKED THE HABIT.
I TRIED TO HELP HIM GET HELP, BUT HE DIDN'T THINK HE HAD A PROBLEM.
HE WAS DOING SO WELL, AND HAD A GREAT JOB. NOW HE THREW IT ALL AWAY. I STILL LOVE HIM AND ALWAYS WILL, BUT YOUR WEBSITE, LET ME SEE THE TRUE REALITY AND WAS LIKE A SLAP IN THE FACE. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR MY FAMILY TO HEAL, BUT I KNOW I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE TO LET HIM GO....
THANK YOU SO MUCH
D-SOON TO BE AN EX-WIFE


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

DEAR STEVE,
KUDOS ON YOUR IMFORMATIVE WEB SITE.  I MET MY ADDICT ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO AT WORK.  I'VE BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADDICTS BEFORE-BUT NEVER OF THIS MAGNITUDE.  I AM A MANAGER AT A CAR DEALERSHIP AND JOSE WAS HIRED AS A SALESPERSON AND IMMEDIATELY PROMOTED INTO MANAGEMENT.  IT SEEMED THAT NO MATTER WHAT GOOD BRAKES J GOT HE WAS NEVER SATISFIED.  I KNEW THAT HE HAD AN ALCOHOL PROBLEM PREVIOUSLY, BUT HE ASSURED ME THAT WAS ALL IN THE PAST.  J SHORTLY MOVED IN WITH ME(NO PLACE TO STAY).  BUT PICKED FIGHTS AND MOVED OUT OF MY HOUSE PROBABLY 10 TIMES IN 6 MONTHS.  HE CONTINUED CALLING AND WE ALWAYS GOT BACK TOGETHER.  SOON HE GOT A CELL PHONE AND I WAS APPALLED TO SEE ALL THE NUMBERS(FEMALE) HE WAS CALLING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.  ONE NUMBER STOOD OUT AND I CALLED IT BUT BACKED OUT WHEN THE WOMAN ANSWERED THE PHONE.  THE NUMBER WOULD SOON HAUNT ME 6 MONTHS LATER.  BY THIS TIME-1YEAR LATER HE HAD ALREADY BEEN AT 6 DIFFERENT JOBS AND STILL UNEMPLOYED QUITTING ALL JOBS.  AT HIS LAST JOB-I AGREED TO BUY A
CAR FOR HIM-OF WHICH HE NEVER MADE ANY PAYMENTS AND QUIT SHORTLY AFTERWARDS.  HE STARTED GETTING INVOLVED WITH AN OLDER
WOMAN NAMED M.  M WAS AN ACTIVE ALCOHOLIC.  SHE WAS PAYING HIS RENT AT A SLEEZY MOTEL AND STILL LIVING WITH HER EX-HUSBAND.  SHE TERRORIZED ME AND THREATNED ME AT WORK CONSTANTLY-AND HE KEEP CALLING ME.  PROMISING ME THAT HE WANTED TO GET AWAY FROM HER AND START HIS LIFE OVER RIGHT THIS TIME.  HE WOULD STAY AT MY HOUSE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS PICK A FIGHTS AND THEN HE WAS BACK AT THE MOTEL WITH M.  I EVEN PLANNED HIS DAUGHTERS 17TH BIRTHDAY PARTY AT MY HOUSE AND AFTER HE DROPPED OF THE KIDS HE FAILED TO RETURN AND WAS AGAIN AT THE MOTEL W/M.  HE STARTED STEALING FROM ME TOO-FIRST 20.00 FROM MY PURSE AND THEN MY DAUGHTERS CELL PHONE AND CD PLAYER.  ALL OF THIS HE DENIED BUT THE ITEMS WERE NEVER FOUND.  ALL THE TRIPS TO MEXICO TO SEE HIS DAD WERE ACTUALLY LIES TO SEE M AND GET LOADED.  HE DENIED ANY DRUG USE BUT THE PHYSICAL SIGNS WERE UNQUESTIONABLE. HE WAS UNABLE TO PERFORM SEX ANYMORE-AND USED MY HOUSE AS A REST HAVEN IN BETWEEN BINGES.  THE DILATED PUPILS AND THE PARANOIA WAS ALWAYS PRESENT.  HE ALWAYS ACCUSSED ME OF HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN AND BEING A WHORE.  ONE TIME WE WENT TO THE SWAP MEET TO SELL SOME ITEMS I HAD FROM HOME.  A PULLED OUT OF HIS BAG 30 PAIRS OF BRAND NEW PANTS THAT HE STOLE FROM M'S BUSINESS.  ANOTHER TIME IT WAS A TRIP TO HOME DEPOT TO PICK UP PAINT FOR MY HOME-OF WHICH ONLY BOLT CUTTERS WERE PURCHASED-TO CUT OFF M'S LOCK ON HER STORAGE.-ANOTHER FALLING OUT BETWEEN J AND M.  SHE NEVER SEEMED TO GIVE UP ON HIM AND IT WAS'NT UNTIL THE LAST TIME WHEN I GOT HIM A JOB AT A LOCAL CAR DEALERSHIP-AND AGAIN HE FAILED TO GO TO WORK.  IT'S BEEN 7 WEEKS SINCE I'VE SEEN J-ALTHOUGH HE CALLS ALL THE TIME I  REFUSE TO ANSWER THE PHONE.  NO PHONE CALLS WITHIN THE PAST 2 WEEKS AND HE'S GONE FROM THE MOTEL.  THE LAST I HEARD WAS THAT HE CAUGHT M WITH ANOTHER MAN IN A MOTEL?? WHAT A STORY HUH?  HE ALSO DRIVES 40 MILES(HE HAS NO CAR) TO COME TO MY HOUSE AND RAID ALL THE TRASH CANS IN THE NEAR BY VACINITY TO SELL AT THE SWAP MEET. I FINALLY CAME OUT OF IT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALLOWED HIM TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME FOR SOO LONG.  I'VE MET FRIENDS IN AL-ON GOING THROUGH THE SAME TROUBLES.  HAVE STRENGTH IT'S NOT YOU-THE  PERSON YOUR INVOVLED WITH KNOW NO OTHER WAY TO GET BY AND WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHOMEVER ALLOWS THEM(ADDICT) INTO THERE LIVES.  GOD BLESS ALL-S


From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

My husband is an alcoholic and a crack addict.  Though our divorce is about to be complete, I still and always will love him.  If I knew where he was I would try to find him or join him.  He has taken everything: home, property, beloved heirlooms, our future, money, love, the children and the promise of a future that we never had...all ends in betrayal.  The details don't even seem important anymore.  I don't even believe that he loves me anymore or even ever thinks of me.  He has his whores and his drugs.  I have loved him for 13 years, since he first said "Hey missy, what you doing on my coat?"  He is poet, a lover, an amazing man...beyond any intelligence I have ever known.  Several years before we met, he got a tatoo of a woman who looks exactly like me on his back.  The woman is entwined with a skull and so I too seem to be entwined.  I hope no one responds unkindly to this post.  I know that each of our loves is VERY real.  We mourn the true vampires of our age, the living undead.  And if I could I would join him, but for the children and our cats.  We don't have kids of our own, but I am a teacher.  I can only hope that after time has stolen everything, he will know in an eternal way that I love him and forgive him, no matter the past or the future.  I feel like Ophelia...I have failed him and my love has grown mad.  Please pardon the rant and try to find something in the inbetween.
MZ


Sent: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Storytory

Hi. I just found out that my daughter is smoking crack. I knew something was up, but never imagined it was this. She has been living in complete filth, and neglecting my grandson. I keep him for weeks at a time, when suddenlly she will call, using him as a way of manipulating me. If I don't give her money, she won't let me see him. I have picked him up at her so called friends houses; where he is being watched be strange men, that I know are drug dealers. I don't know how to even go about getting custody of the baby. I love my daughter, but realize no matter what, I can't help her til she can admit she has a problem. Why can't childern's sevices develope some sort of program for grandparents to be allowed to step in under these circumstances? I feel lost, and alone. I look at my beautiful grandson, and see so little hope for him. I often think there is no way to safe him from my daughter's addition. -- thanks for listening -- J

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

AS I SIT HERE IN TEARS READING THESE STORIES, I FEEL I NEED TO TALK ABOUT MY SITUATION.  MY EX OF 8YEARS IS A CH.  I LEFT HIM LAST YEAR BECAUSE HE WAS DOING COCAINE. I TOOK ME AND OUR 2 BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND LEFT HIM WITH NOTHING.  I THOUGHT IT WOULD GIVE HIM A REASON TO CHANGE.  HE KEPT TRYING TO COME BACK  SAYING HE KNEW WHAT HE HAD TO DO TO MAKE US WORK AGAIN.  EVENTUALLY HE ENDED UP IN JAIL AND GOT OFF ON A YEARS PROBATION.  WELL HE HAS BEEN COMING  AROUND MORE OFTEN AND I THOUGHT THINGS WERE MAYBE GOOD AGAIN, BUT NOW HE USING CRACK.  HE HAS STOLEN FROM ME AND OUR CHILDREN, TAKEN OFF WITH MY CAR FOR DAYS WITHOUT EVEN A PHONE CALL. THEN HE SHOW UP AND BEE EXHAUSTED AND JUST LAY AROUND AND EAT LIKE CRAZY.  BUT WHEN THE WEEKEND COMES  HE DISSAPEARS AGAIN OR SOMETIMES HE CONSTANTLY IN THE BATHROOM.   HE LEFT EARLY SATURDAY MORNING AND HASNT BEEN BACK YET. BUT WHEN HE SHOWS UP HE HAS A SURPRISE, HIS CLOTHES ARE PACKED AND HE IS OUT THE DOOR.. THIS TRULY IS TEARING ME AND HIS WONDERFUL FAMILY APART, BUT WE NOW KNOW IT IS ALL UP  TO HIM TO GET HELP.  THESE STORIES IVE READ ARE SO ALIKE IT MAKES MY STOMACH CURL. THIS DRUG IS SO POWERFUL THAT THEY WILL GIVE UP THEIR SOULS.. MY EX IS A STRONG BELIEVER IN GOD. I HOPE GOD WILL WAKE HIM UP BEFORE ITS TO LATE.  THANK YOU FOR LISTENING 

                                                                           G

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Dear Steve,

                 About three months ago i started having dreams about my ex-husband. I

didn't know he was smoking crack at this time so it was weird. I am a very spritual person.

I knew i had to talk to him to see if it was true. We didn't get along very well after our divorce

it was bad. I finally seen him for the first time about a month and a half ago. He is addicted.

This hurt me so bad i never would have expected him to touch the pipe. He has always smoked weed but thats about it. I swore i would never let him hurt me again after our divorce,but he has. recently he has been calling me asking for help, he knows he has a problem. The thing is his new wife smokes it to she tries to put all the blame on him, but she is the one that got him started. I have four children that are not his real kids but he raised them for seven years of their lifes. I was always his strength when we were married. Myself a recovery meth addict. I have never seen anyone smoke crack and after seeing him i swear i will never touch a pipe! We have been friends since we were 9 so there is alot of history between us. I have always helped people out when i could thats just me. So i felt obligated to try and help the man that i will always love in my heart. His wife can't understand why he would turn to me, but i do. He has been at mine and my fiancee's house for the past week and has been clean for 6 days now. I think being with his kids and having me talk and talk is helping. We have spent alot of time on the internet these past few days i have learned more about this stuff then i ever wanted to know. Monday morning we have a appt. to talk to a rehab. But just seeing the change in him since he has been here is alot for me. Thanks to your site and the things we read i think he got scared. He has lost every thing at this point his job, his wife, house,car. The one thing he hasn't lost is my friendship and his kids love. I believe that love and caring can conquer just about anything. I know he has a long road ahead, but you have to start somewhere. Having cancer myself i am emotionally exhausted, but i will not give up on him thats something i have never done. I have to thank you for being stright forward it has helped me tremendously! So i guess to everyone out there we all have a choice to make i think i am making the right one. Marrige isn't just a contract, true friendships last forever, and patience is the key to sucsess. I thank god everyday for the man i have now if it weren't for his patience my ex would probably be out on the street or even worse. In my dreams when i reached the end the worst had happened but i believe that GOD showed me the future so i could try and change the end! things happen for a reason i believe that and now my kids are helping their dad out and learning first hand just how bad drugs are. I am learning that marriages may come and go but friendships do not. we are all expeirences something that i believe will make us all stronger in the end. And the best part is that my kids will have their dad back in their lifes! People don't understand the way things happen or why they happen, but in the end there is always a reason.To evetybody out there with some kind of addiction the number one thing is to have FAITH IN GOD! I have been clean for three years and i pray to god everyday for another sober day.                                                            

                                                                                 Thank You For Listening!

                                                                                       ex-wife and friend


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

my friend's has two children from a crack addict.  She was using for at least 15 years.  She has been in a program for the past year and is now living with him for the past 3 weeks.  He has been her support for the past 15 years and presently still assisting her.  She is on what he says is medication to help her sleep and i don't know what else.  He believes that the medications is helping her stay off of crack.  He bought her a car and believes she has recovered.  I told him that he is a good person in helping her but he should let her see if she can deal with life's pressures on her own (without assisting her so much).  This man has raised their 2 children and 6 more from 2 other crack addicted mothers on his own.   I think he and his children needs counseling because he is supporting their addiction too much.  Please respond and tell me what i can do to help this person.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

this is the story about my baby sister she is 33 years old she met a guy fresh out of jail 4 years ago he started feeding her drugs of all sorts her ex took her kids from her and she used that as and excuse to take more drugs and then it happened she got pregnant she had twin boys i have one and my sister has one the one i have has cerebal palsy and the one my other sister has has kindey problems all due to drug use of crack cocaine in the beginning of her pregnancy and being in and out of jail the whole pregnancy with no medical care when she first had the babys she wanted them after 4 months she was ready to be with herdrugs and her so called friends in the past year she has been in and out of our lives due to the drugs she has been gone now 2 weeks we haven't heard from her i miss her the sister i used to know and love how can i get her back.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve, I want to thank you for the information on your site.  I have been a relationship with a crack addict for 14 years!  And I am only 35 years old!  My whole life has been spent trying to ease his pain and "help" him.  I have finally come to realize that I cannot help him, he has to help himself.

My story starts in 1990, we met because I worked in a plasma donation center and he was a donor at the center.  He was such a nice guy and always clean and well-mannered.  He spoke with intelligence and was extremely kind to my young daughter.  We developed a relationship and he worked full time and I worked full time until I became pregnant with our son in 1992, he was born in 1993.  During that pregnancy is when his drug use came to light.  He convinced me that he could stop and wanted to stop to care for his son.  I was young and very easily manipulated.  He knew that I was afraid to raise another child without a father, as I was raising my daughter without her father.  Well, then along came child #3 in 1994, 11 months after my sone was born.  His drug use had either dwindled or became less apparent or better hidden but I didnt see it the way I did when I was pregnant with my son.  I was convinced and very happy that he had chosen our family over the drugs.  Life went on and was very good until 1996, when he was in serious accident on his job.  He was working at paper mill and his left leg was amputated below the knee due to defective machinery.  The leg was successfully re-attached but now we had rehab and pain meds to deal with.  He was told that he will take meds for pain for the rest of his life.  His leg is a concoction of other parts of his body.  He has a steel rod from his knee to his ankle where there is no bone left.  There is muscle from his stomach and his thigh to form his calf.  There is blood vessels from his arms, and legs to create a blood flow system.  There is bone from his hip to form a strong base of support at his ankle so he can stand.  After taking several different pain meds, it was finally determined that Morphine capsules worked the best.  He took them for about 2 years, then the Workers Comp settlement came in and they no longer paid for his meds.  Morphine is expensive and he cannot work.  I tried to pay for his meds for a time being but I just couldn't afford them  His doctor switched him to Methadone because it was cheaper and just as effective for the pain.  He has taken Methadone now for about 3 years.  He takes three 10 mg tablets, 6 times a day.  he is a zombie.  He sleeps on and off all day but mostly during the day.  He is awake all night and this is when he gets high.  I can hear the crackling from the other side of our bed sometimes.  My children are now 16, 11 and 10 years old.  I have finally got the courage to tell him to leave my home. Yesterday, he left.  I miss him already because I know the good person he used to be.  I want that person back for me and for my children.  Please tell me if I did the right thing?  Is there such a program that he can get into for treatment while he takes Methadone for pain?  Is he doomed to this miserable existence forever. 

Any help you can give is helpful.

Thank  you,


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

well im sitting here wondering where he is......again!! been with him for 8 1/2 yrs. hes been a crackhead for the past 4. i dont know how we ended up where we are today. all our plans for the future are gone. crack took them away. we were so much in love, plans to get married, dreams of a great future together. i made him move out sept 30, 2003 just couldnt deal with the stealing, lying, sneaking around. always sceming how to get away. i  finally put my foot down about him doing it around me, or at the house, so then he would just disappear.now he lives with his mom (who is a recovered crack addict) unemployed and very sick with diabetes, shingles, stomach ulsers you name it.last year he weighed 200+ now he 160 soaking wet. we had a "date" for yesterday. but he just disappeared. he called me at 1am so sorry, never do that again, i cant live without you, i messed up, please forgive me. then he called me at work today....can we see each other tonight? "its the week end" so stupid me says yes....so where is he now??? gone again...disappeared again!! hes slowly dying and i cant stop it, he claims to love me but his love for crack is always stronger. i am almost to the point where i will be able to walk away....but what will happen to him if he loses me. i truly believe i am the only thing in his life he has to live for. he has lost everything else, even himself. he is really the funniest, most loving man when hes not controlled by this. why cant he see he is going to lose me, has already lost me???? i need help.............  


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have to tell you that I really don't know what it will take for me to understand the nature of crack and what it can do to a person and to their loved ones.  I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 5 years and it has been a roller coaster ride.  When he was clean, which was usually months at a time, things were great.  He worked and made really good money and made me think that our future would be amazing because he was done with using crack.  When things were bad (when he was on a binge) which could last a month or longer, usually until he got arrested, life was a living HELL.  It is unbelievable what he does.  He lives at home with his loving family in a big and beautiful house, BUT when he goes on a binge, he lives from hotel room to hotel room, sometimes changing locations 2 or 3 times a night because he is so paranoid.  I was treated like a queen when he was clean to a piece of dirt when he was using.  He treated me like I was the enemy!!!  I would be called every name in the book from whore, slut, coke head - you name it he accused me of it.  In the beginning, I used to take it so personal, even though none of it was true.  But I felt really bad and I would spend my time trying to convince him otherwise.  I was really wrapped up with this.  I am a nice girl, university educated, excellen job and then I would think, I don't need him, I could find someone else no problem.  But easier said than done.  Just when you think they are out of your life, think again.  He would get arrested, call me for help and then I would become a sucker and actually help because I felt sorry for him.  But then the cycle would continue over and over again.  I have bailed him numberous times only for him to go back on the streets again.  You name it, i have done everything, from taking the license plates off the car so he would stop.  Doesn't matter - they will go on foot if they have to.  The last time, he was in a treatment program and was clean for 8 months and he was doing so good - BUT he relapsed and it has been over a month now.  I am so sick of the abuse (and it has been very mental and when they are on crack it does get physical).  I have been for help and the only thing that I can say is love the addict and hate the addiction.  Therefore, I have learned the hard way and I have to be strong for myself and most importantly for him.  I have to stop enabling him, so I have decided to turn my back on him - not taking any of his abusive calls anymore, hanging up on him when he does call and get a hold of me, revoking bail the first day he goes back out there and not giving him any more chances to just see if he will go home.  You can not help - the only thing I did was let him manipulate me, lie to me and I enabled him to use.  Not anymore - I will probably never understand this addiction.  But I have to understand that I come first and I have a good life and I only have one to live, so I better make the best of it.  I have come to realize that no matter who he is with, what he is doing - that this is who he is until he decides to change within.  That is how I have managed to move on, but it is hard because they won't give you up!!!  We have  the minds to make the decision - not them.

Heart and Soul


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Storytory

Wow, what a great resource of information.  I recently left my husband and filed for divorce after finding out he is addicted.  We were married for almost 13 years and he has always smoked pot on a daily basis, which I had a hard time dealing with and finally said as long as it was not brought into my home with our children.  Now compared to this the pot seems to be breeze.  I listened to every word he said and wanted to believe him so much.  He could quit on his own, and wanted my help.  Well I am not very wise when it comes to the drug scene so I about drove myself crazy researching on the web for more information.  I couldnt seem to get enough, eventually I felt like the addict.  It effected my sleep, my work (just received a promotion around this time), my home life, and definately my feeling for my husband.  We already had too many issues going on in our marriage and this sent me over the edge.  I began monitoring his cell phone and following him around asking a million questions, he did say he wanted my help and he was getting it full force, I even order drug testing kits to perform at home because he didnt want anyone to know.  This lasted for 1 week before a postive result came up.  Then it was someone else's fault from this point on it was various excuses and all lies.  I lost all feelings for him and didnt even want to look at him.  We went to see a counsellor who tried to blame me for this addicition, I was being to hard and was almost at breaking point of going insane.  I did nothing but cry all the time.  Then after one his binges I gave him a choice, rehab full-time or I was leaving.  We met with the rehab, and he went from the 30 day in house to outpatient, to attending meetings.  Of which none of these choices fit into his schedule.  I gave him 1 week to start atleast the meetings.  This didnt happen so within 48 hours I found an apartment, filed for divorce, and moved.

It has been almost 2 months that me & my 3 children have been away from him.  I am doing great but my boys are not so good.  I have them in counselling and I told them what I could at their age level, I felt that I needed to be honest because they see dad crying and apologizing and mom leaving and being mean.  I still get calls that he has people watching him but almost in the same breath he says that he is clean.  I am following through with my divorce and I hope he gets help for my boys sake because until I know that he is clean and my boys are in no danger, I feel that I need to keep them away from him. 

I do put blame on myself for not being more judgmental in my selection of my spouse but I feel that I gave all I could and he wasnt worth my time and effort any longer.  After reading the information from your website, it was exactly all of the things that he told me, and helped me to realize that I made the right decision, and enables me to put that part at rest.

Thanks for this information

J

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have been married to a CA for seven years now.  I learned of his use two weeks after we were married.  I was naive and thought it was a recreational thing.  We now have two children 2 years old and 5 years old.  The use has gotten worst over the years.  He can go three days at the most and then he sleeps all day.  Normally this is on the weekend.  He stay up all night, doing nothing but watching porn.  He has been unfaithful twice that I know of and now I am convienced that he has probably been cheating with the crack whores he use and buy from.  He does not see himself as having a problem because he stay at home and states he does not go to houses because he has it delivered.  For the past two months, I have been checking the bank statements and each month, there was 4,000.00 unaccounted for.  How can that much money be spent?  I feel trapped, because my kids adore him.  I also say I need to plan financially before I leave?  I just do not know what to do, but I feel my situation will not get any better.  I really need to find a support group for wives of professionals.  Can you help me? I live in North Carolina.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello Steve

I am a 14 year old boy who's mother is addicted to crack.I just thought that I would write to this site to show kids who also read the site that it will get better some time.I lived with my mother for 6 months last year.She got into crack when a lady next door moved in and was trying to get out to.My mother thought she could help.She got into the life and never had the courage to leave well she could.I do not blame the women next door for my mothers addiction I know that everyone has a mind of there own.Well my mom was doing crack I had no one pointing me in the right direction I ended up drinking allot.My mom also had a boyfriend at the time who helped me through it he had no children of his own but he sure new how to be a great father.He loved my mom so much he just couldn't leave her so he kept giving her money to pay for her addiction.He stayed to long and now he is into it also.I just want to tell any one who is in love with an addict to leave because it is easy to get into.I just found out that my uncle who was always calling my mom down for what she was doing was also addicted to crack he had an overdose and had a heart attach.Thankfully he recovered he is right back to doing it.I just thought I would write to you so everyone can read what I have went to and I thank you for this site it gave me a new perspective on the addiction

Sincerely

J

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

MY HUSBAND CARNEAL HAS BEEN SMOKING CRACK FOR 14 YEARS HE HAS STOLEN FROM HIS FAMILY FRIENDS AND HIS MOST RECENT DOWNFALL WAS ROBBING HIS WIFE FOR THERE WEDDING RINGS.  HE CONSTANLY RUNNING BACK AND FOURT TO JAIL AND AS SOON AS HE RELEASED HE GO BACK TO THE BACK TO SMOKING CRACK. WEVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED FIVE MONTHS AND I AM READY TO LEAVE AND NOT BE BOTHERED I DONT WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE HOPING AND PRAYING HE WILL STAY CLEAN I CANT LEAVE HIM IN MY HOUSE ALONE BECAUSE HE THAT FAR GONE.  I CALLED  THE POLICE AND HAD HIM ARRESTED AND PUT IN JAIL I DIDNT WANT HIM TO SELL ALL HIS CLOTHES BUT HE DID AND HE WAS TO FAR GONE.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

UNTIL THIS LAST YEAR 11-2003 I HAVE REALLY NEVER DONE ANYTHING MORE THAN SMOKE CIGS AND DRINK A FEW DRINKS ON OCCASION, SINCE I REALIZED THAT DRINKING I WOULD BECOME JUST LIKE MY DAD AND I DIDNT WANT THAT. AT THE AGE OF 39 I SMOKED CRACK FOR THE FIRST TIME. MY BOYFRIEND A TRUCK DRIVER GOT SOME ON THE ROAD, AND WHEN HE CAME IN HE HAD A FRIEND OF OURS GET IT FOR HIM, FEELING GUILTY FOR BEING OUT ALL NIGHT AND ME BEING UPSET ABOUT IT THEY ASKED ME TO COME OVER TO THERE HOUSE, SO I DID. THEN I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED TO TRY IT. NEVER DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE AND BECAUSE I FELT LEFT OUT I DECIDED TO "PARTY" WITH THEM IT WAS LIKE 2 DAYS OF THIS WITH OUT SLEEP, IT WAS COOL I NEVER FELT A HIGH LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE. WE CONTINUED TO DO THAT FOR THE NEXT 3 MONTHS, BUT AS TIME WENT ON HE DIDNT CARE WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET IT INCLUDE SELLING MY ASS AS HE PUT IT JUST TO GET THE ROCK. IF I DID'T GET AS MUCH FROM ON OF THE DEALERS AS I DID FROM ANOTHER ON A TRIP TO TOWN HE WOULD THINK I WAS LYING AND GO THROUGH EVERYTHING BUT CHECKING TO SEE IF I HAD STUFFED IT. I HAD TO LYE TO HIM ABOUT THINGS TO GET IT FOR HIM AND LYE TO THE DEALERS THAT WOULD FRONT US THE ROCK JUST TO KEEP HIM GOING. THE LYES GOT TO BE TO MUCH AND HE GOT PARANIOD TO THE POINT WHERE HE ACTUALLY BEAT ME AND HIT ME A FEW TIMES. AFTER GOING THROUGH MORE MONEY THAN WE HAD, AND BOUNCING CHECKS ALL OVER THE TOWN, HE LOST HIS JOB WENT THROUGH ALL THE TAX REFUNDS FOR THIS YEAR, AND NOW HE IS WORRIED ABOUT PAYING BILLS. TOO LATE NOW
HE KEEPS SAYING WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS, I KNOW THAT I'M NOT THE ONE SAYING GO SPEND THE LAT TWENTY DOLLARS WE HAVE ON ROCK INSTEAD OF FOOD FOR THE HOUSE, I'M NOT THE ONE BUT I NEVER TOLD HIM NO BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID TOO. I JUST DONE WHAT EVER HE SAID TO DO IF HE SAID SMOKE IT I DID, JUST LIKE A PUPPET. NOW THAT HE IS BACK WORKING AND I'M WORKING AT HELPING THE TOWN CLEAN UP, I'M TRYING TO HELP THEM BRING DOWN THE DEALERS AND CLEAN UP THE AREA, MAYBE IF WE GET SOME OF THE BIG GUYS OFF THE STREETS AND MAKE IT HARDER FOR THEM TO SELL IT. MAYBE IT WILL BE HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO GET TO. BUT I DOUBT IT. I JUST KNOW THAT NOW I WOULD NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I'VE ONLY BEEN CLEAN A FEW WEEKS NOW. IT TOOK GETTING STOPPED BY THE COPS AND THREATENED  THAT CHANGED MY OUT LOOK I  DIDNT WANT TO SPEND THE NEXT 5 YEARS IN PRISON, I HAVE CHILDREN, NOT WITH ME BUT  I HAVE THEM TO THINK ABOUT I CANT SAY DONT DO IT WHEN I HAVE DONE IT, BUT I DO KNOW  THAT I DID WRONG AND THE HARDEST THING RIGHT NOW IS THE CRAVINGS THAT I'M HAVING AND THE HEADACHES FROM WITH DRAWLS I ALMOST BOUGHT SOME TODAY, BUT DIDNT. IT SCARES ME THAT I MAY NEVER BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET OVER THIS THEN AGAIN ONE OF THESE DAYS I MAY BE ABLE TOO. I HOPE I'M AT THAT STAGE WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT I JUST HAVE TO HOLD ON A LITTLE BIT LONGER AND IT WILL BE OKAY. BUT I DONT THINK MY BF WILL EVER GET TO THAT STAGE THIS IS HIS SECOND OR MORE GO AROUND WITH THE STUFF HE WILL STAY CLEAN FOR A FEW YEARS THEN BACK TO IT AGAIN, AFTER ALL WE HAVE LOST I DONT SEE HOW HE AND JUSTIFY THAT, BUT IN HIS EYES IT IS ME TO BLAME FOR A LOT OF IT HE SAYS, THE PEOPLE WHO USE TO LOOK UP  TO ME AND RESPECT ME LOOK AT ME WITH PITTY IN THEIR EYES AND THAT I CANT TAKE, AND THEY FEEL SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH A CRACK HEAD, IF ONLY THEY  KNEW THE WHOLE SAD STORY, I DIDNT GET HIM STARTED HE GOT ME STARTED AND I KNOW THE TRUTH I JUST WISH HE WOULD TELL THEM THE TRUTH BUT HE WILL LOOSE HIS STANDINGS WITH EVEYONE IF THEY KNEW, BUT IT IS OKAY TO GIVE ME UP.
HE JUST MAY HAVE GIVEN UP MORE THAT MY SELF RESPECT TO PEOPLE I LOOK UP TOO, HE HAS MADE MY HEART AND ALL MY LOVE FOR HIM CHANGE, I LOVE THE MAN I FIRST MET, I HATE THE MAN HE HAS BECAME AND FOR THE HITTING AND BEATING, I WILL NOT STAY, I CHOSE TO GO BACK HOME TO WHERE I CANT FIND THE CRACK, AND CHOSE NOT TO FIND IT TO GET A CLEAN START,  AND THE FUNNY THING IS THAT IS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR.
NOW I GET TO START MY LIFE OVER AT 40 AND ALONE.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve,

How are you? There are so many people in my neigborhood that does crack and other stuff i think it is wrong how can i get them to stop? They even bring it to school!! I would tell but i can't. I am not a stich . But can you help me plez tell m ehow to make them quit even my best friend did it when she was 7 years old but help thanks

Sincerly A

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

First thank you for this web-site.  It has helped me tremendously, as I knew nothing about crack, except it was bad.  I live in FL and was just recently visiting my sister in KY, whom has been going through a divorce for the last two years, neither are pursuing it. 

I frequently visit there, because that is where I grew up and my daughter's father is there.

My youngest sister who lives here in FL also, has been suggesting for about the last 6 months that something is wrong with our middle sister in KY.  I have always denied it and said no way not her.  She would never do something like that.

On my last visit two weeks ago, I did not take my daughter this time.  I went alone, so that I could focus on my sister, still believing that there was not a problem, but just so I could prove it not only to myself, but my baby sister.

After arriving, my sister said she got confused and thought I was not coming until the following week.  This is not the only confusion or forgetfulness, which has been going on for over a year.

She has two small children ages 7 and 8.  She is not the loving doting mother I once knew.  She now hollers and screams at them constantly.  Leaves them with anyone who will keep them.  She has all the signs and symptoms, such as, frequent bathroom visits and for long periods of time, she sneaks out of the house late at night when I am there, it makes me wonder, if she leaves the kids alone when I am not there.  She gets really frazzles and excited.  I can tell when she is getting ready to leave.  She will either try and start an argument, or just have that wild look in her eyes like a caged animal.

Our family has always been so close.  My mother and us three girls were always inseparable, but now you cannot even get her to sit down with you for more than 30 seconds, she cannot be still.  She never calls us anymore; When we call her she says things are to hectic right now with the kids and can she call us back, but she never does.

My mother is there now to look out for the kids.  I have called her husband to try and get him to intervene for custody and if he does not want it, at least let me have temporary custody, until she hits rock bottom and decides she has a problem.

I confronted her after returning home as I was still not sure until I started reading and ____trying to understand this drug.  Then, I started putting things together, like the tablespoons with grit like metamuesel under bathroom sink, Reynolds wrap pieces laying around, staying up for days on end, then sleeping like a coma state for the next 2-3 days, staying in the bathroom and locking the door, no more patience with the kids, no hugs, no feelings for anyone, not eating, drinking a case of beer and still walking a straight line.

Of course, she denied it and had a lame excuse for everything that I brought to her attention.  I am going up again this week-end with my youngest sister.  I am taking a drug test kit with me.  Me, my mother and my two sisters are going to talk.  She has a good job making 45K+, which is in jeopardy right now because of absences, sick leave, falling a sleep on the job, etc.

I know right from the start it is probably going to be like hitting a brick wall; But if she refuses to take the drug test or takes it and fails, we are going to remove the kids from the house to stay with family meaning their father or us.  If she is going to hit rock bottom, it is going to be on her own.

After all research and learning about this addiction, I have come to the conclusion that there is not much that I can do for her, but at least If she does not make it I know that I tried.  But I can and will do something for the kids, they do not deserve this kind of home life.

Please pray for her and I hope that if anything is going to shake her it will be the loss of her children.  Thanks again for this web-site, it has helped me understand that I CANNOT understand, but that is okay.  There is really nothing that I can do for her to make her better, but I do let her know that I love her and I will be there when she is ready.

Good Luck to all.  This is one of those things that happen in other families?? Not Mine..........So I thought?????

Sincerely   S

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

This is a brief history of my sister, who has been a crackhead for over 15 years.  Thank you for your web site.  This is the only web site I found that did not sugar coat the realities of this addiction.  I love my sister, (she hates me of course) and I believe that now after 15 years she might just be on her death bed.  She has done so many things to hurt me, yet I love her so much, and even though she is removed from my life, i long for the sister I once had.  Her memories haunt me everyday, and I have to work hard at controlling my urge to want to seek her out and try to help her.  My fear is that she will die and not know just how much I love and miss her.   I have had my newpher on and off his entire life.  Now at 15 this is a rap song he wrote about his life with his mother. 

The following is a song written by Mario Carmona expressing his feelings about his life with his mother.

TELL ME HOW DOES IT FEEL,

TO HAVE THAT NEEDLE HIT YOUR VEIN

DO YOU LIKE THE SUDDEN RUSH OF

ADRENALINE TO THE BRAIN

 

DOES IT FEEL REAL GOOD

OR DO YOU FEEL REAL PAIN

TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR SON NOW

AND TRY TO REMEMBER MY NAME

 

REMEMBER ME, YOUR ONLY SON

YOU FUCKED UP MY WHOLE LIFE

YOU HAD ME 14 YRS OLD

CUTTIN CRACK WITH A STEAK KNIFE

LIVIN A FAKE LIFE

GOING TO SCHOOL, TRYING TO BE COOL

BUT I WAS BROKE, TRYING TO FIT IN

WHY ALL THE KIDS TREATED ME LIKE I WAS A FOOL

 

MY MOM, I’M GONNA EITHER LOVE HER OR HATE HER

TO SEE THE FRACTION

JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE COMMON DENOMINATOR

ALL YOUR MONEY WENT TO CRACK

NOT FOOD FOR THE REFRIGERATOR

SHE NEEDED DRUGS

NOT LOVE TO ELEVATE

WHILE I WAS WATCHIN MY SISTER,

MY MOM WAS OUT ALL FUCKING NIGHT

COPPIN ROCKS OUT OF CRACK

AND LOADING IT UP IN THE PIPE

 

DOES THAT COKE MAKE YOU NOT HURT

TRYING TO RAISE A FAMILY

WITH SOME COMPOSER

IT HURTS TO SAY THAT I EVEN KNOW HER

TRYING SO HARD TO HELP HER

AND SHOW HER

BUT I REALIZED I REALLY NEEDED

TO LET GO OF HER

 

CUZ I WAS ALL ALONE,

 WHILE MY MOM WAS IN THE STREET

COMIN HOME, WATCHIN MY SISTER

ALL DAY WHILE SHE WOULD SLEEP

CUZ SHE KNOCKED HER SELF-OUT

FROM SHOOTIN UP IN HER FEET

WHEN SHE SMOKED ROCKS,

HER LIPS WOULD FEEL THE HEAT

MY SISTER WAS STARVIN

BUT DIDN’T HAVE A MEAL TO EAT.

 

BUT STILL SHE NEVER LISTENED

NOT TO ONE OF MY CRIES

I CAN BELIEVE I’M WATCHIN

MY MOM DIE IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

Mario C

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hello I am a 28 year old single mother my sons father my some what ex is a crack head. We have been together for about 8 years I am not exactly sure how long he has been using crack but I would say at least 2  years. Before that it was mostly pot. He is currently serving a 2.5 year sentence in prison for a probation violation from using crack and overdosing at our home. This has been the most horrible time of my life  I am trying to be strong and trying to walk away it is very hard. I have been through it all the stealing, lies, physical and emotional abuse and yet for some reason I still care. I have been on the computer days trying to learn and understand something I never will. I believe that recovery is possible. I hope that one day he will be clean and be a father to our son. It is very said reading all the posts if someone recovering could please let me know if there is anything I could possible do to help him recover please let me know. I am walking away have told him he can not come back to our home but I have over two years before that will happen and hopefully I stand behind my word.

Thanks

D

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I have been reading through the stories.  I am married a little over 2 years and my husband became a crack addict about 6 months ago, but I only confirmed it about 2 months ago.  I have been trying to live with it and it is tearing me up emotionally.  I want to help him but do not know how (I live in Florida).  should I file the Marchman Act?  How do I get him help.  He is in serious denial, without a job (we lost the business we owned), without a car (his he said was stolen).  I love him so much because of the person I knew him to be.  He says he's not using now (about 2 weeks he says) but he still keeps leaving.  Now he's seeking things around the house that belong to him, to sell.   He is a severe diabetic, heart patient (open heart surgery and 2 stents) and has hyperlipidemia.  He is not a healthy man (46 yrs old).

I want to hold on but want to help him.  I told him to leave but he said no.  He has no where to go.  I feel horrible and will feel worse if something happens to him.  He says he will change but every few days its another story.

Please help me.  Thank you


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hi steve,this is p from ohio.Its really hard to face it but

i have come to the same ending as you. a crack addict will always be a crack addict.they will never quit maybe for a week a month a year but they will always go back i contacted you back in aug or sept for help on a rehab.my fiance went 8 weeks.in  new york came home he was only clean 2 weeks all those promises all the hope all the money 8000.00 for 8 weeks hes right back to were he was before he left.im heart broken im tired and im done i cant cry anymore i cant hurt anymore.i have been with him 3 years never new nothing of drugs now i can tell you what stage hes in.arguing hes going to get crack sleep hes done crack depressed hes coming down off crack.i have aged 10 years in the past 3 all the crying and worry,stress hes been gone this time since before christmas his dad sent him money  for christmas hes gone i have cryed every night since dec 23 im done i cant do it no more the phone calles are driving me crazy i dont even answer the phone if i dont know who it is it is so hard to say no so hard to not believe him but i am praying every day and with gods help ill stay away from him before he distroys mine and my sons life.please pray for me

p in ohio


-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

I'm anna,im an addict.
subject:skeletons in my closet...conversation with my inner self.

hello anna, how have you been lately?"

"im not doing so well tonight.
lots of stress, i cant handle the simple things .....always trying to escape.
thats what makes me different....
i was never good at looking in the mirror,never even tried to look at who i really was....maybe thats why im lost.always have been...since the day i took my first breathe, i sought death.
i guess i rather be honest. it eats me up that with you i wasnt open.for fear of bieng judged,categorized and labeled. the thruthe is im a addict. i ran to bigger things.but i always ran.isnt that cowardly of me?
i ran to drugs....where i found comfort inside my own skin.....inside euphoria, an extreme i fell inlove with.
so what do u think now that u know the shameful secrets of a stranger?
i guess nobodies perfect....thats where i failed, my only dream for since i was 15, was to be perfect.i never was.....never will be......3rd degree burns never erase....shame is never washed away. not with hot showers no'r baby powder...theyre never washed away.....
tonight i hurt.
i dont know why im telling u.....i guess i wanted you to know what it was like to be on the other side of the extremist line. im here at 0, while you stand at 10. i wanted to know what it was like to live on the other side of the fence.whats it like to lack dirty secrets...whats it like to not have to hide your eyes while in a conversation?to be free...whats that like.....
i was given the curse of addiction. i battle with this demon every day-its always there. whispering.my companion for years and years-you would have thought such constant company that id of bonded with my demon-yet all it did was steal from me.all it did was rob my soul...still.... i keep running.deteriorating with every passing moment...living and dying, with every breath i take.
love,
a


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hi steve, i was informed of your site by yet another attempt at investigating my crack addict husband, you see i had gone to a place that does serveilance, taping, lie detectors etc,,, last year i already had him take a lie detector test which he failed royally, i found him doing crack in the bathroom upstairs, im a nite nurse and the man couldnt even wait 15 minutes for me to leave the house to do my nite nursing, he was making numerous bathroom visits, and i was like, i have to use the bathroom, he finally let me in and hidden under neath the bathroom sink was a soda can with pin holes in the side, a home made pipe, and there was this enourmous amount of smoke coming out of the can, a smell i never smelled before in my life, not pot, not hash, it was like ammonia smelling, metal like, and in the side of the can was a heated blob of a drug, i heard the crackling first before i entered the bathroom, that is when i was like what the hell is going on, and sure enough, the man was smoking crack rite there in our home with our 2 children, i was devastated, dumbfounded, but i knew he was addicted when i knew he couldnt even wait 15 min. for me to leave for work, he would say he had diarrhea, and that was why he was making the bathroom trips, even so low as to ask me to steal some anti diarrhea medicine from my job, sometimes he would say he was rectal bleeding that was to get my mind off of maybe me finding out he was still doing it,,, well i taped him recently this is a year and a half later, and on the tape he is laughing about picking up a black crack whore and bringing her to his friends house, and went on to explain all the wild sex and drugs, he picked the whore up at the mall, in my car no less,,, any way the guy i brought the tape to for him to clear out some background noises so i could hear it all vividly just said i wont take ur money , go to crackreality and then come back,, he also said to me consider my husband dead, a tombstone has his name on it, and that i am to focus on myself, my children, and my safty first too, u see this man has said if i divorce him, he knows people, and i will never get his house, i fear for my life now,i am divorcing him now,, i have finally reallized he is not the man i married, and he is an alien who just uses the couch to crash on and sleep comatose, only waking to stuff food in his mouth in a coma, to go back to his couch and sleep continuosly somtimes for 2 days straight, not even a phone could wake him, he has a rash on his leg from rubbing continuously, asking me ,,, what do u think this is, now i know from reading ur website, it is a crack rash, i have finally woken up.. and i pray to god i have the stregnth to persist ...my main goal is to get this alien out of my home and to let him find another couch to crash on. he is verbally and physically abusive when he is coming down from his binge, his personality is a rollercoaster and i have lived on eggshells for years,,, he hold s a job down, but i dont no for how long, i need child support so i hope he keeps it, that is why i will not take ur advice to get his job involved, i need him to work, also i heard that they have to hit rock bottom, but i do believe rock bottom is death ... thanks steve for this website, i am only starting my journey now, it will be a long road ahead for my children and myself but we will survive...thanks baboblu , my screenname, real name is barbara, pray for me


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Steve,
     I am 18 years old and I was introduced to crack by a very pretty and coniving young lady my age.  She showed me where to go and how to get it and I just watched for the longest time.  I was interested in it and I was intrigued by how the people I was introduced to was so happy when they used it.  They are very outgoing and make it seem like they have complete control of their lives.  I knew the coniving ways they were used to and I was very insightful.  "E" was very nice to me and hung around me for a long time.  My boyfriend at the time hated her and tried to warn me how bad she was because he had lived with her before when she was dating his friend.  I had no clue how far I could get in the dark pit of this drug.  Over a period of 1 week I had lost over 700 dollars in lending money and being convinced to give the "friends" money.  One crackwhore came to me with this awful story of how E had been kidnapped and held at gun point and begged for 1500 dollars, but I could only afford to give her 50.  This was a setup to get her crack money for the day.  I started using with a very generous crackhead.  He would supply so much, since I didn't ever feel it for a while I was becoming distrought and thought that this was stupid and worthless.  Someone there told me to never start and told me how it has ruined their life, but I was so interested in trying things.  I only smoked marijuana at the time and I was becoming bored with that.  I finally felt it and I didn't understand why I was so ansty all the time.  I started staying there doing it until 5:30 in the morning and making up these awful excuses to my boyfriend why I was out.  Eventually E didn't talk to me at all that week and I haven't heard from her since.  I have this deep hate for her now.  All of the girls that would be around that block would whore at the drop of a dime and I was so disgusted by it.  I never whored for it because I have high morals about my body.  I was raised in a very nice home with people who cared, but I just wanted to rebel and do what I wanted.  I live at home again.  Thankfully.  Anyways, I found that so many people do it.  They make it seem like it's just a normal thing to do and it makes them so happy.  I am only 90 pounds so I think it affected me ten times worse than an agerage person.  I saw that within a few days I was skinnier and I wouldn't eat.  I saw very bad effects, but yet I still did it.  Remember that this is all within one week.  I would twich and it was all I would think about.  I became so broke.  I had a minimum wage job at the time and I kept it while doing it.  My desire to stay at work depleted that week though.  I knew that I had to work though to keep the tiny apartment I was living in.  I stopped using after that week, I don't think I was ever addicted though so I think that is why I had the chance to recover.  I see how hard it is for some to stop.  It's impossible for some, but I feel that it is just a sense of knowing what you have to do.  I know that there  are crack addicts reading this sight and feeling very guilty.  I went through hell for an 18 year old and no one around me could ever understand what I went through.  I went through times when I would smoke and run out and would be on the floor for hours searching for a dropped peice and I would go home searching the floors when I knew there was no chance of it even being there.  It messes with your mind so bad.  I finally told my boyfriend and he was disgusted with me.  He stayed with me though.  I promised that I would never do it again and I didn't for a while.  I met up with someone to get some marijuana for my boyfriend and I ended up smoking crack with that money that evening.  I felt awful that I did that.  Money just vanishes and you are left with nothing and the horrible feeling of not ever recovering from the blow of money.  I learned that a day is a day and things can always change.  I havn't used since that night and that has been over 2 months now.  I moved back in with my dad and I have noticed that it is all I think about.  I can't relate with anyone because if you bring up the word crack people are like, "What?! Who does crack?! Crackheads!"  They don't understand the real power of how it can affect someone.  My heart reaches out to the people who are affected by crack and the people who use crack and get caught up in that awful lifestyle.  It's a yearn to stop and a fear of losing everything is why I stopped, but I don't understand why it's all I think about like I'm obsessed with it, I don't feel that 1 week of doing it calls for a reason to call a hotline or anything, but this is easier for some answers and hope.  I have a wonderful job now and I am finishing my high school diploma, but there will always be this dark cloud hovering over me it seems like.  I feel that I can't have a friend that hasn't done crack because they will automatically judge me and think that I'm a crackhead.  From reading some of the stories it sounds like I will never find a recovering crack addict to relate to.  Many tears have been cried over this drug for me, but I hope to get through this.  All I know is that I could never smoke it again because I have seen the awful damage it could do in one week, let alone doing it the rest of my life.  So what would you say to someone like me?  Am I an addict, or am I just someone who has tried it and still thinking about it?


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story.....IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

Hello Steve,

 Well, I started dating my first love and only love in January of 2000. Two months after we started dating i found out he was doing crystal meth. His parents sent him to Twelve Oaks, rehab in Navarre Beach,Fl. I didnt try to leave him because i wanted to be strong, help him and be there for him. When he got out he played me for a fool. He was in the 6 weeks and when he got out was not even sober 6 days. He was smokin pot and snorting OxyCotin, also many differnt types of pills. I figured it out about a month after he was home. I did not know what to do.I was always depressed and i never knew what to do. Well his parents figured it out in April of 2001 and he went back to rehab in the same place. After 4 weeks we went and got him because of insurance issues. He seemed to be doing wonderful. So happy and loving. He was the person i loved. Well he once again started using drugs. I was not sure what it was. One day he came home and told me that he got pulled over and almost went to jail because he had a crack dealer with him that jumped out of the car and ran from the police. I asked him if he was doing crack and he kept denning it. In September 2003 he got caught stealing for dillards in the mall. He went to jail and when he got out he was on probation. He was taking drug test every week for his P.O. I thought everything was going well until moodswings, not eating or sleeping became very frequent. In April of 2003 we broke up. In October he failed a drug test and tested positive for crack cocaine. We are not together any more but we are still in contact. He is in rehab for 12 more months in Hotsprings, Arkansas. He is doing really good but, the question is will he stay sober and how do i know what exactly to look for?

 THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

     M


Sent:

To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

Hi Steve ~

 

 Just came across your site and you are on the ball! Thank you for incorporating "real-life stories" about crack addiction and for being totally straightforward and honest on your website.  I am a 40 year old woman who has been clean from crack for 2 months. I had a 9 month experience with "the crack world" and that was enough for me. I can tell you, that in those 9 months - my life spiral downward. I was living a secret, guilt ridden life. I had a love/hate relationship with that stuff. I was one of the women that would least be expected to be smoking crack. The BEST thing for me, was to physically remove myself from the environment - I did - I moved out of state to be with my family and I think The Lord has peformed nothing but a small miracle in me.  Crack was the most powerful substance (besides smoking cigarrettes) that i have ever put inside my body. I am thankful to have a strong mental frame of mind and i am not "religious" by all means; but am spiritual and DID know, that what i was doing was WRONG.  I can relate to the 4 day binges - the paranoia - the great amount of $$$ spent - the losing weight - AND, those particular addicts that manipulated, lied, and whored to get more crack. I was not your typical "crackhead" ~ i was "new" to the stuff -i had money to spend - and i shared it with about 3 or 4 people. I actually enjoyed sharing. Heck, they had been using for 10-15 years - i was the "baby" - the new kid on the block - I wasn't the type to hide it or keep it for myself - i refused to let the crack be my focus. (Although, eventually, it did become my focus, without even realizing it!) I had resigned from a 14 year career from the airline industry and had received a large sum of money afterwards. As you know; crack causes the users to become terribly "unmotivated" - soooo, after paying my car off and paying down most of my credit - i had some money to burn. Burn it, i (we) did.  Ohhhhhhhh,how i regret that choice. I DO and ALWAYS will hold myself accountable for the choices i made. I am an intelligent woman ~ that just "chose" to go through that whole scene, because i had nothing else to do. Sad, huh?  It was very enjoyable at first. I still can't believe that the peson handed me a cack pipe and asked me to try it! I would NEVER, EVER do that - WOW - talk about a burden that he has to live with .... (that's a tough one, don't ya think?) I still, to this day, do not "blame" him; I CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FIRST HIT - HE DID NOT FORCE ME. I never stole, i never manipulated people ...I actually almost never left my apt., due to the guilt and paranoia i felt.  I felt as if i were making a "movie or a documentary" the whole time. There were real characters that entered my life during those 9 months. I am a white female and most of the folks were black - i was VERY selective about who i let in my place to smoke with me - there were only a total of 4, at the most 5 folks during that time. But man, my eyes were opened up to an entirely, different world! My parents raised me better than that, Steve. I constantly had one foot on one side and one foot on the other side. I was petrified of allowing both feet to go to the crack world. I am doing good. I have had a few cravings since i have moved - but, none that are strong enough to actually go out and look for it. It's just NOT worth the depression and paranoia and wasted energy for me. I consider myself to be blessed. It is a different world and yes, that high from smoking crack is awesome!!!  I always said that we could get the same high ... on a much cheaper basis .... by holding our breath .... I am thankful that somewhere in my spirit and in my mind; I refused to allow crack to become the #1 priority in my life or in my thought process. It wasn't easy - but, i think the best thing i did, was to get the hell out of the area i was living in.  It's a day by day thing - i do feel hopeful and i just look back and remember what a "fog" i was in.  It was definitley a life-changing experience for me and one that i don't ever want to return to, either. Living the crack addiction life is almost evil - and the sad thing is - it can happen to ANYONE.  Best of luck to your website and thank you so much for caring for the addicts, the family members and friends. It feels good to share my story.  Take care!

 t -


 

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Cc: Georvice@aol.com
Subject: Submit Story but not My Name, please

My Baby Brother is a CH

Oct. 20, 2003

Dear Steve,
Thank you for your site. It was only yesterday I realized that my misunderstood but fabulously talented brother is a crack addict. It is horribly painful to think of the waste and the loss and of the destruction of two other lives (his wife and baby). My parents are experiencing the living loss of their only son and only grandchild.
I am experiencing the loss of my complete family unit which has always been a constant for me. There's a big hole in it named Grant.
For the last 10+ years nothing he's done has made sense and most of it contradicts the way we were brought up. He went to school in phoenix and came back a mess. His strong girlfriend at the time, and my mom helped him through a rough period of withdrawal and he was clean until the girl stopped providing ultimate support and moved on to become a successful model, and double-science-major UCLA, now in her medical residency. We loved the person he was: attractive, sharp dresser, charming, ambitious, and were appalled when he became a rebellious, aggressive, atheistic, anarchist grunge-bum. We attributed it to the amazing girlfriend's absence and his new scummy friends. He got a great job out of town and lost it. His car got stolen and firebombed. He grew his hair, beard, and got nasty, unintelligible and unattractive tattoos (i am not against ink) He got more good jobs (talent) and lost it to his attitude. We attributed this to the family temperament we were all blessed with but seems most unchecked in him.
He floated and made more yucky friends, then married a girl from the other side of the tracks (she is not a user--we think). Her family is known for drug use, sales, and general flakiness. This made no sense to us then ;  it does now.
How a gifted mechanic could destroy every motorized vehicle he's ever owned is beyond us, but now we realize it's a symptom. How could an upper-middle class raised child in a comfortable clean home live in poverty and filth?? A sad, frustrating mystery until this realization.
They had a beautiful baby who looks just like my baby bro, and who will grow up a third generation hippie chick (with a temper). I may never get to know her. My brother has alienated us all for accusing him of having a drug problem and not giving him cash.
Losing a loved one to this addiction is the worst kind of pain, it's intrusive, uncontrollable and hopeless.
I don't know any other users personally, but through your site i'm able to relate, analyse and research this illness. I have prayed and pleaded against this destruction, and still...
i'm sharing this to help myself with the grief and hope others can glean something from it. thank you, steve c.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

hello, hello....a common phrase my son used, breaks me up knowing what he has become, today.  I have managed to find the courage to put him out of the streets.  trust that God will take care of him and his life is in the master plan of fate.  everyones story is the same behavior in different situations.  how sad its is, knowing there is litttle help for a point of return.

thank you for your site, i sat here and read it right through.  amazed at the similarities to my own heartaches.  at least i find comfort in knowing that i am not alone in this heartless disease that confronts us today. thank you steve for  sharing yourself, strength, and hopes with us.

God Bless


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: submit my story

Hello,

I have been living with and in love with a crack addict for over a year.  I have been thru alot, having my stuff stolen, being conned out of money, lied to, left alone at night wondering where he was and why he did not want to come home.  I could tell so many stories about how awful it was.  In the beginning I did not even know he had a drug problem it took me awhile to figure it out.

But I wanted to let others know that there is hope.  My addict is doing better.  He used to be a daily user.  Eventually he slowed down to using about 2 days out of each week.  Then he slowed to using once every two weeks.  He now seems to be able to go about 3 weeks but even when he does slip now he buys alot less than he used to and spends alot less time doing it.  He has gained weight, he has ambition again, he treats me alot better and is trying to make something out of his life.  He actually brings me his paychecks instead of blowing them on crack.  This change took a long time and we still have a long way to go.  Hopefully someday he will stop doing it all together.  But I can see that the hold it has on him is not as strong.  It took alot of love and alot of prayer and patience to get this far.  We also moved away from the town we lived in that had a lot of places to buy it.  We live out in the country now.  I am not saying that every addict can progress this far, only you can decide whether or not you should stick it out.  I just could always see the good person he was inside and could not give up on him.  But you might be different and that is okay.  If you have to give up, forgive yourself and move on.  You did not make that person pick up a crack pipe, it was their choice.  The biggest and hardest lesson I had to learn was to take care of me, there is not anything you can do for them if you don't.

Well I have rambled on enough.  Hope this helps someone.  I smile a lot now.  I am not always in a state of emotional distress.  I actually go whole weeks without worrying now.

S

Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit My Story

After being married to a crack addict for 9 years and being separated and divorced for two, I am finally trying to break all ties. I met him in January, 1993 immediately following my first divorce.  I was alone for the first time in 10 years and very vulnerable.  He was funny, handsome, caring, all the things I had longed for.  What I did not know was that his parents had paid off all his debts and shipped him to my home town from California so that he could kick a crack habit in new surroundings. We moved in together, I met his parents (who did not bother to warn me because hey! he was cured!), we planned our wedding, and we became a family with my children, 6 and 8.  We were happy for a short while until he got comfortable.  He started smoking crack and not hiding it about two years into the relationship.  I ultimately started smoking with him until he went on a four day binge locked in our bedroom.  I sent him to rehab.  His parents had to pay over $30,000 to his employer to keep him out of prison on embezzlement charges, he actually stole and gave his crack dealer over $80,000.00.  He felt that this was ok because he was the office manager and he didn't take a weekly paycheck.  Thus, I was totally supporting the family and he was robbing the company blind to pay for our habit.  We were clean for 8 months.  After another two years locked in the bedroom every night, I reached my limit.  My daughter, who was 16 at the time, saw him buy crack in our driveway.  She went to my mother's.  My mother told me that she and my son, who was 14 now and in military school, could not live with me until I left him.  I left.  I have been clean for two years without entering a rehab.  I know from reading your site and many more that this is remarkable, but I honestly was sick and tired of that life, of being broke, of disappointing my children, my friends, myself. I continued to see him even though I had filed for divorce and we were not living together.  He swore he quit, he wanted me to come home.  I still had a key so I would go to the house and check when he was not at home.  Crack was always there.  I went back to him three times in the midst of depression, but I never lived with him again and I never smoked crack again. His most recent binge lasted over a month.  He locked himself in the house and didn't make the payments.  I didn't know how bad it was until the mortgage company called me.  The house was going into foreclosure.  My son (now 16) went over to check on him and came home crying.  Greg looked like a holocaust victim.  His parents came and got him and paid all his bills, moved all his things, hired a realtor and put him in once a week therapy. Once a week therapy for a 2 decade crack cocaine addiction.  They think all he needs is some rest, tender loving care from his parents and distance from e and the horrible children.  We are the cause of his addiction. Yeah, right.  He was at the house this past weekend to work on the house (which he didn't) and told his parents he would stay with friends.  He spent both nights, locked up in the house, smoking crack.  Used our best friends for an alibi.  Guess who his parents will blame?  Our friends. I have finally accepted the fact that as long as he knows someone is going to bail him out, he is not going to change.  His parents are very wealthy and think that all he needs to be clean is their love, constant attention, and a life without me.  That's is just totally fine with me.  I am tired of being used, manipulated, made to feel responsible for this 38 year old man. He lies, he steals, he manipulates our friends, he is a crack addict.  He tells me he loves me and wants to change, and it all sounds good, but I can count on him getting high every time he gets a chance.  He can't say no. Through all this, I have managed to stay at the same job for 13 years.  I don't understand why anyone would WANT to live that kind of life.  I never did.  I just loved him so much that I really thought he would change with me.  The whole time I was in it I was begging for it to stop.  Begging for him not to make me have to leave.  And here I am.  42 years old, a grandmother, embarking on a single life.  I thank the Lord for my wonderful 18 month old grand-daughter.  That did it for me.  It gave me the strength to walk out.   Even though I was scared to death in the beginning, I am excited about the adventure I am about to embark on. Thank you for this site.  I have sent it to friends who think they can help Greg.  They treat him like there is nothing wrong, listen to his lies, never confront him.  They think that if they confront him, it will make him smoke crack or they will lose his friendship.  I have tried to tell them that acting like the problem isn't there is tantamount to condoning his behavior. Thanks for including in your site that no one causes someone to smoke crack. Even though Greg was smoking crack for ten years before I met him, his family wholeheartedly believes that me and my children are the cause of his addiction. The reality is that he likes his life and has no intention of changing. I am a survivor and it is not impossible to walk away.  You just have to want it bad enough to do it.  You have to want to be clean more than anything else.  Period.


-----Original Message-----
From:
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article

Subj: Living in Hell 
Date:
From:

Hello, My story begins with me and my ex-boyfriend meeting about 7 years ago.  He was sober and attending AA at the time.  We met at work.  I immediately felt attraction to him.  I went home and told everyone that I had met my next boyfriend.  Not to mention I was in and out of Alanon myself for being an adult child of an Alcoholic.  We went out, he said everything that I needed to hear and then some.  He told me about being an Alcoholic and I told him of my involvement with Alanon. You see I was practically raised in Alanon.  Wow! Something in common with this man I already find appealing.  We had an on again off again relationship for the next 2 years. During those two years, he began drinking, smoking crack, and smoking marijuana, which I occasionally smoked with him(only the marijuana).  I thought that if I held on to him and that if I got him to love me more I would change him.  Needless to say our relationship ended.  Two months after that he was married and I saw him in South Carolina the day he went to get married.  I cried all the way home that day.  Since then it took me forever for my heart to heal.  Seven years later, I receive a call from him. Low and behold he was in jail.  At first, I didn't take his call.  But then he wrote me.  My curiosity got the best of me.  I wrote back and once again he would say all the right things.  He should have stayed with me back then. I was a good woman and his family and friends would tell him so.  Turns out his wife had him put in jail for violating a restraining order against her and he was charged with Aggravated Stalking facing 10 years in prison.  We continued to write.  I of course fell in love with him all over again and of course he was "clean and sober". After all he spent 7 months in jail.  He got out of jail and came to live with me pretty much right away.  We talked about marriage, being normal, living normal, and having a life together.  He had alot of problems stacked against him.  Things were great, for about 2 months.  He started drinking.  We immediately started the fights.  I was the responsible one and he told me I was a nag.  Finally, I told his mother.  She had a talk with him and he straightened up for a week.  Then the naive person that I am ( found out he stopped drinking, but went back to the crack) He's lied to me, stole money from me, verbally abused me, and made me feel like it is all my fault.  We recently broke up and I told his whole family what all has went on for the past 6 months.  He was furious and of course blamed me for all his problems.  I "ruined" his life.  He says his mom refuses to let him stay with her and his father is confiscating the car from him, and I am the one that is crazy and needs help, and I am the one that is the fucking liar.  Every word out of my mouth is a lie. He's smoked crack and then felt sorry for himself afterwards and scared to death he will go back to prison (which would be 10 years), but yet he still smokes the crack and goes to his probation officer the next day knowing he could be drug tested.  The person that I fell in love with is no longer there.  Everyone tells me that I made the right decision to get out, however, my heart is still aching for this person.  I guess I am holding onto the "what could have happened if he straightened up"  I am a very sad individual and it seems no one understands because they just say be done with it, but the sad thing is my feelings towards him and his charm get me every time.  If he came to the door right now I would probably let him in even though my brain and everyone else says I'm better off without him.  My heart is just too big.  You see crack not only effects him, it effects me as well.  It is like he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He sure is a charmer.  I hate him for that, because I feel that I would be better off hating him, but my heart won't let me.  Why can't he just be normal?  I guess I will never know.  I'm afraid that one day I will hear he is dead, but with this problem I think that is inevitable.  I have bent over backwards for this man and he still doesn't realize that I was the sole person who cared for him.  And I was the sole person to get hurt by him not once but twice.  He says he loves me, but I know better.  He loves CRACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is a sad life to lead, especially when you love someone who is on it.   I need people to e-mail me whom have been through this. I feel like I am alone. Thank you for listening.
Kristie
P.S. It seems like this website is the only thing that is keeping me sane!!!!!


My Nightmare

(Contributed by Scarlet,  a member of our Discussion Group)

 

     It’s all so sad. I don’t even know where to begin...But the way I feel is overwhelming and I could almost cry, to see someone that I have loved die right before my eyes, but yet is still alive. This deadly choice is a tornado that has ripped through my whole family and left us all in shock. I cry as I write this because of the pain that crack cocaine has caused my family and has left a person so dead of emotion, a person that I once loved but couldn’t love me, that wasn’t strong enough to choose me over a bag of nothing. That lied and said he loved me, but it wasn’t enough to save him. Walking dead that I know and see in my heart will never change and probably better off dead than a whore to this life, a death sentence slowly being carried out before my eyes. A person with who could easily kill me all for a bag, all for nothing, a person who doesn’t care about their blood, memories, or family, who could commit heinous atrocities all in the name of their true love crack cocaine. Laughable that it’s even true. A bag accepted instead of my love , a bag wanted instead of all the things I have to offer, a slap in my face, a degrading reality that my love isn’t satisfying and that I could have once loved something that cannot feel. Knowing in my heart that this could never be and that I would never be anything but a means to get high or roof over a zombies head a living dead, knowing that all it could ever want from me is a way to get high. I am nothing more than a mark, a trick, a victim, a person to be used for their money, or whatever I can contribute to getting this non-feeling person high. A joke, a chump, and a sucker a fool that has been used, spit on and a doormat, all in the name of a bag, I have put up with the most degrading, listened to a bought the most unbelievable lies all because my self esteem was so low that I would do anything for that feeling, it was all fake. I purse my lips and say Damn! Knowing that he was probably waiting, dying hurrying up his con with me to go get high, I’m sure he was in pain wanting to get high but first having to waste the time to con me, preferring I’m sure not to have to pretend, pretend to be normal, pretending to like me, pretending to care, just dying impatiently waiting to go get high. Of course I didn’t do that (get high) so I could never understand, emotions were for suckers, the only ones they could really be freaks around and their normal sick selves where of course other junkies, a true love shared, just like them selves, we would and will always be outsiders to these dope fiends, chumps, meal tickets, doormats, weak. Really knowing that I couldn’t win or try or reason, that there was no amount of charm, good looks, money, family, love that would make him see. They can’t see the pain, they will not stop until it is all gone, the love the trust, the understanding, the chances, the family. And they can’t feel it like we do, when we have been used and spit out the result is for them that one all-important to them thing. Its has a name crack cocaine, they have a name but do not care for they are dope fiends, living dead, evil demons, that we must use all and every bit of our strength to fight. We cannot show ourselves, we cannot show weakness or they will eat us up alive, they will kill us if we let them, they will crush our spirits and kill our faith in mankind, they leave nothing in their path but destruction and pain, disappointment after disappointment. Fighting us until we are breathless, never once stopping, relentless, salt in our wounds hurting us all for a bag. Hurting our children, and us morals are absent and so are they. We are just mere victims or a means to getting high, when we collapse from the exhaustion of their deceit and games they will have others lined up. They are blind and cannot see anything about us except that we represent the hope of enabling them. They justify, they lie, and they minimize all that they have done. They say we exaggerate, they make us fell like we are against them, and they turn us into the enemy. They turn on us they may start with kisses but they end like the bite of a deadly snake. They transform right before our eyes. We have seen purest evil; hope faith and despair and wondering. Is this my punishment for what? What could I have done to deserve such suffering and misery, this is no way to live with a person like this who is always perched and ready to pounce you, wanting to get you but only for you money. Never caring a thing you could be dead for all they care, just let them have that almighty bag, you are nothing to a crack head. Know in your heart there is no cure for they are dead living dead. No words, no therapy, no love will ever save them all we can hope for is they get other victims or the overdose. We must save ourselves, the wolf is at the door, and the devil is a knocking. God have mercy on us and save us from this horrible thing


-----Original Message-----
From: Karen
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit an Article

 
I met my addict through a friend, when he was having a "dry spell." He is manipulative, charismatic, very persuasive, handsome, and charming. I have been sucked into his denial for the past year and a half.  I finally see him for what he is after a year and a half of never having a happy moment.  However, i am now 6 months pregnant. This weekend, he left me alone on yet another binge. 5 days and nights alone stretch out for an eternity, when your dreams have been killed, your hormones are at near-toxic levels, and you have no idea what hes doing.
I warned him the last binge a week and a half ago -- that if he ever did this again, he would return to the locks being changed and wouldnt have a place to stay. (my pregnant behind pays all the bills and his name is not on the lease.) 
So the day after he left, I changed the locks, left his personal effects outside, and boarded up the only window he could get to with industrial-strength plywood. I left a short note saying he was warned, he was dumped, and to stay with whoever was housing him on his binges. 
After reading all the stories, and after getting to the level of disgust Im at, I know that this is the end of the story for me. I have a child to think about now. i refuse to let my son see Mommy being a co-dependent. 
 
To anyone who stays in a situation like this longer than 1 year - run like heck and dont look back. And also seek help for being a co-dependent, because many of us put up with neglect and abuse from crack addicts because of self-esteem issues related to co-dependency. We were seen as easy marks. At the time, they were right. Its time to change ourselves first, and let the crackheads find their own way.

-----Original Message-----
From: Tracey Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit an Article
 
I just discovered your sight, and felt I would be doing a grave disservice to my Higher Power, whom  I choose to call God, if I didn't let you know how I had been delivered from a nineteen (19) year addiction to crack cocaine.  Ironically I was 19 years old when I began smoking cocaine and it led me on a journey of pleasure and pain.  The only reason I mention pleasure in this situation is because as a young teenaged female, the initial benefits I provided for the older gentlemen who introduced me to the drug seemed just that, pleasurable.  There were trip around the country (transporting drugs, of course), introductions to new and exciting people (most of who raped me and even threatened my life) and plenty of drugs and material items (none of which I have today).  I went from an attractive young female with a bright future to a homeless, convicted felon with no family, friends or life.  I went from a 'most likely to succeed' stature to a 'most wanted' list of felons in my state.  I lived in a dark hole of helplessness and hopelessness for YEARS and honestly thought I would die that way.  In fact, I wanted to do just that ---die.  Only I didn't have the courage to do it myself so I begged God to do it and I placed myself in constant situations where someone would kill me.  I started by taking from my family.  I took all that they had, besides their love and trust, and soon I wasn't allowed through their thresholds.  I then began burglarizing houses -- yes, a female burglar, and then on to prostitution and shoplifting.  I served more than an accumulated fifteen years in and out of prison.  I participated in every imaginable drug-treatment program; long-term, short-term, residential, outpatient, transitional analysis, behavioral modification, etc.  In December 2001, while awaiting sentencing on a shoplifting charge that was going to send me back to prison for the 8th time, my younger and only brother who had developed an addiction to crack, was gunned down and murdered.  It was as if a vortex opened up to me and somehow through that tragedy I saw a window of opportunity to change my life and not allow his to pass from here in vain.  I felt the sacrifice of his death in direct correlation to the death of my dear savior Jesus Christ.  I went in my cell, got down on my knees and ask God to do for me what I couldn't do for myself and He immediately did.  The Word of God is quick and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword.  I was delivered that day and have yet to look back in want of that life or lifestyle anymore.  Currently I am employed in a company with a lucrative position and my world is completely different.  Only three years later.  I just want any person that is bound with this addiction to know that God can and will deliver you.  If He did it for me, He'll do it for any.  Imagine, almost twenty years of hell!  Now I have a lifetime of happiness to look forward to --- and then some (Smile).

----Original Message-----
From: Christina
Sent:
To: 'steve@crackreality.com'
Subject: Submit an Article
 
Hi Steve,
 
Thank you so much for your site. I can relate to almost every article that has been written on your site. Today is my 11th yr wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, my husband is not around to celebrate it with. After all what is there to celebrate? My husband has been addicted to crack for over 6yrs. The thing that I don't understand is how can someone so good turn out to be so bad. When my husband and I first got married we use to smoke pot and occasionally snort coke, I was only 20 at the time. But for me the drugs did nothing but make feel horrible the next morning. My immediate family all have addictions with either drugs or alcohol. I promised myself that I would never allow my self to be like them or never marry someone who was. I stopped doing it all. I thank GOD everyday that I never got addicted to any of the drugs that I have ever tried. My husband on the other hand did not stop. He did stop smoking pot and using cocaine but then he started using crack. I remember the very first time that I found out. He never came home the night before and I was furious when he did return and he admitted to what he had been doing. I cried all night and so did he. He vowed that he would never use that stuff again. Little did  I know that it was only the beginning. My life has been so out of control since that day, like other many others I thought that my love for him would be enough to make him stop. I would kick him out and he would come back crying and begging. Giving nothing but empty promises. Promises that he would never keep. He has promised to GOD, to his mother and everyone else that everytime was the last time. What breaks my heart the most is the pain that my 3 children are going through. I would do anything to take their pain away. My 10 yr old is so angry with his dad, with me,with life that I pray everynight that this curse or whatever it is be broken with my husband. The children have so many questions that I do not have answers for. The 10yr old and the 16 yr old are very aware of what their dad is doing. I wanted them to be aware of the damage that drugs do to families & to lives. It doesn't just happen to people in the streets, it happens to anyone. I try to be strong for my family because I am all that they have. I have been at my job for 8yrs. Even though I hate my job, I stay because I am the only one who is supporting us. My husband has not had a job in almost a yr. He has pretty much lost everything. He has stolen checks from me, from his mother. He has pawned almost everything that he could get his hands on. He has even stolen from his own children. There is still so much to my story but It would be too long. I can say that we are to the point in our marriage that I can no longer take all that he has given us. Even though it hurts me very much, I know that I have to let him go. I still love him sooo much and I don't even know why. Maybe because I remember all of the good times that we have shared together, then I start to think that we had more bad times then good. He is a great father and husband when he is not using. He is a very caring a loving person. Always telling me how beautiful I am and how we mean so much to him. I'm starting not to believe that either. He is such a liar!  Anyways, he has been sober before. He gave himself to the lord about 4yrs ago and was clean for 10months and then he started again. He has been to rehab where he stayed in house for 2months and started using the week after he came out. From then on, he would be sober a month, a week. Now I don't think that he can go a day without it. He is now talking about committing suicide because he says that he can not live without me. He was at a hospital this weekend and they released him the day after. Why??? He is planning on going to stay out of town with his uncle. But who knows what will happen. I hope and pray that one day he will stop and realize all of the wonderful things that he has in his life. I know that I can no longer do anything for him. For today, I will let go and let GOD!
 
Christina

The Road Home

The love that we had has long been gone

The addiction replaced it with one

Far too strong.

I tried and I tried to make you see,

That the drug was not worth

 losing me.

Your promises to stop were all to convincing,

“Give me one more chance and I’ll make you see”

Was an all too familiar phrase,

 That you said to me.

I fell for the lies and was there to forgive.

I believed that you meant every word that you said.

Maybe you did, I will never know;

I was naïve for a while,

Or maybe I was blind.

Blind by the fact that I loved with my heart,

Not with my mind.

It took me a while to finally see,

That my love could not save you ,

I had to save me.

It was never a problem,

At least not for you.

As long as I was forgiving,

the addiction only grew.

I don’t doubt that you love me,

I feel that you do.

But the drug is too powerful,

It rules you.

So I ask the creator,

for strength from above,

As I must turn away

 from the man that I love.

Not out of anger, spite or revenge.

But because I have loved you right to the end.

I pray that tomorrow,

you will wake up and see,

that I did it for the love

once shared between you and me.

Goodbye my love,

 take care of yourself.

I can no longer go with you,

You must travel this road alone.

If nothing else,

Go slowly,

Stop along the way.

Look for the man you used to be,

And guide him back to me.

 

Written by:

 Kimberly Larsen

 


-----Original Message-----
From: R [mailto:]
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Submit an Article
 
OK Steve here is my story of Lisa, a crack cocaine addict.
 
Normally I pay little attention to people panhandling on the street. But one day about a year and a half ago things were different. As I left the store, I was confronted by a woman asking for spare change or money for something to eat. The first thing I noticed about her was her smile. She was very cute and unassuming. We talked for a couple of minutes and as I was about to leave I told her that I wouldn't give her money, but rather, I offered to buy her something to eat. This was something I normally would never do and to this day I still can't say why I did it.
 
When we finished lunch Lisa told me how much she appreciated what I did for her and asked if she could have my phone number. Again, this was something I would never do, however, there was something about her - I couldn' say no. About four days later Lisa called me. She sounded a bit strange on the phone, talking very fast. I thought she was nervous or something. She told me she was sick and needed 20 dollars for a prescription. I gave it to her. When I delivered the cash, Lisa told me that she really liked me and asked me if there was any chance that we could have a relationship- here is where I was totally sucked in. I was coming off a divorce, was very depressed and lonely. I told her there was a chance of something. Next thing you know, Lisa was in my life. It didn't take long for me to realize she had a big problem and she admitted to me that she smoked crack. I was dumb about drugs and didn't know that there was no such thing as someone who smokes crack once in a while.
 
I was nuts over Lisa, and she seemed nuts over me. Next thing you know, I was contributing financially to her habit and allowing her to smoke it at my place -STUPID !!! Here was someone that I thought loved me, but after she smoked what she had - she was gone from my place like a shot - usually not to return for days. This routine carried on for quite a while - a lot longer than I care to admit to.
 
Here is where I was really dumb. I thought I could change her, help her. She talked about wanting to quit and how she hated her life. I saw a future for us, all I had to do was support her and everything would be fine. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing ever changed with her, and the b.s. never stopped. The lies, deceit and manipulation are her way of life, yet I felt trapped, thinking she would wake up and see how badly she was hurting me. She would crash at my place for a day, sometimes two days. She would sleep non stop - except to eat and I mean eat. She could eat a lot more than me, but she was literally eating me out of house and home. This was the routine in the last few months of my time with Lisa. Crashing, eating, then leaving my place once she was rested and fueled up. She would hardly acknowledge me during these times - I felt SO USED.
 
It was at this time that I started to search for understanding. How could she do this to me? Thats when I found Steve's website and the light turned on for me. I thought I was the only person in the world dealing with this nightmare. His observations of a crack addict were exacltly what I was experiencing with Lisa. No more would I allow her to manipulate me. I still do believe that she cares for me. However, caring and love are not in the vocabulary of a crack addict. They are incapable of feeling those types of emotions. It was so true that any time I dealt with her - crack was involved. It was never just about us and doing things that couples do. All she wanted was crack, and I was an afterthought.
 
After reading Steve's website, I made the decision to end my relationship with Lisa.  One morning she showed up at my door and I let her in. I was going to just tell her that it was over - but she really made it easier for me. After staying for 10 minutes, she asked for a ride downtown. In Lisa's mind, a ride downtown meant give me money so I can go do my thing. I refused to give her a ride or money. She became very hostile and I told her that if she didn't leave, the police would make her leave. So  I made the call. She thought I was bluffing and was very surprised when the police showed up 5 minutes later. They took her away, crying, telling me that she really did love me.
 
She called me 6 days later, saying she was sorry and all that. I utterly rejected her. Lisa refuses to get help and I realize now that the only person that can help her is her - NOT ME. The last year and a half have cost me a lot, emotionally, physically and financially. Lisa won't hurt me anymore. I do really hope that one day she will wake up and get a life. I am moving on...
 
R.

----- Original Message -----
Sent:
Subject: General Questions or Comments/Submit an Article

I just sent an article without giving the authors name and e-mail, which she would like to have printed. she has received e-mails from all over the country showing support for her.

This is the most beautifully sad and profound writing I have ever read. I had to try and read it four times before i could finish. It is heart breaking and compelling, one of the best!

My Living Hell
I gave you my trust
I gave you my heart..
I loved you with all
that I had from the start..
My friendship I shared..
with you everyday..
I held out my hand
and tried to show you the way..
As I looked in your eyes
I seen the love you had for me..
But the Addiction that you had
I was blind, I did not see...
As time went by
and your Addiction for it grew,
I finally opened my eyes
I could see it and I knew..
I knew that all the love
that I had for you..
could not bring you back
it was something you
had to do...
This was something that I knew,
but in the back of my mind,
I thought if I loved you more,
it would be freedom
that you would find..
Freedom from the Addiction
that to it you were a slave..
Freedom is what you strived for
but you needed to be brave..
I slowly watched you leave us,
towards the Addiction that you ran
It was then that I realized
that I had to take a stand..
Stand up for what I believed in..
Stand up for what was right..
I had to let you go
and for me and the kids
I had to fight..
Fight for our Freedom..
Fight for a Happy home
Fight for my strength
because now I stood alone..
It was the hardest thing so far
that I have had to do,
I picked up the kids, turned my back
and walked away from you.
It was at this time
in our lives
a step that I did take..
I felt deep down in my heart
that what I did
was for our families sake.
Drug addiction takes over your entire life.
A person that is addicted to drugs looses respect for themselves and the ones that he/she loves. All they are looking for is their next high.. and at times it does not matter what they have to do to get the money up to get it. This poem that I have written seems unfinished and the reason being is that I never had any closure with the man that I wrote it to. I moved without telling him, I changed my phone number and made sure that it was unlisted. This is after sharing nearly 6 years of my life with the man. He was addicted to crack and it did take over his entire life. He did trade his life for a high. He lost his home, his girlfriend and his children. Before I decided to leave, he stole from me, he got abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally. I would literally have to count out change to buy my children diapers while he was out spending our bill money on crack. He would eventually come back home after he had spent all the money and apologize for being broke and promise that he would never do it again just as long as I would not kick him out. Promised that he would be a better father, a better boyfriend, a better person all together. I, being so uneducated about using would fall for it and allow him to stay. After so long of dealing with this, I finally decided that I had enough. I decided that I was an enabler and I was no longer taking part in the whole thing. I realized that as long as I did nothing, he would continue to steal from me, he would continue to be abusive and he would continue to bring me down right with him. It was not only an unhealthy situation for me to be in, it was an unhealthy situation for my children to be in as well. Although they were to young to understand what it was that their daddy was doing, they did understand that he was not coming home when he was supposed to, that he was not there to tuck them in, and that he was not there to rock them to sleep. It was a very difficult decision to make, but I decided that it would be in their best interest to not have him in their lives as long as he continued to conduct himself in this manner. I figured that not at all was better then in and out whenever he decided to be daddy. As the kids and I went through the initial separation, they always asked me where daddy was and my response to them would be, "Daddy has a booboo, he has to get it fixed. and even though daddy is gone, he still loves you." I did not know what else to tell a two year old child. It seemed to work and even now is working. They will still ask me where he is and I still give them the same answer. It has been 8 months since I have spoken with or seen him and I do wonder if he is safe, I wonder if he has food to eat and a warm dry place to lay his head, and I wonder if he is sad because the kids are no longer in his life. When I made the decision to take the step that I did, my thought at the time was, you sometimes have to loose something to gain something. I was hoping that by loosing his family, he would then strive for a better life for himself. That he would want to get better, and remain clean. I dont know if any of these things are happening and at this point in my life, it cannot be a priority of mine to even wonder. Even though it has been 8 months or more since I have seen him, I am still healing and so are the children. Our wounds are deep wounds and they effect everyday living. I still have a difficult time trusting others and trusting myself. I still get very angry when I think about not only what he took from me, but what he took from the kids. His actions effected the children in a very big way. For months after he was gone, they looked out the window waiting for his return. They would call for him, they would cry and say that they missed him. My son especially had a difficult time with the fact that he was no longer around. Several times, I had to actually spray my sons pillow with his daddy's cologne in order for him to fall asleep. Every time I would see the children cry and look for their daddy, it would bring tears to my eyes. Everyone lost in this situation and everyone will loose in any situation that involves a drug addicted family member. Over time, I have however gained myself back. I have gained the strength to make it through and to be there for my children. I am emotionally capable of handling my loss and my children's as well. Where as, when he was living with us, my focus was mainly on him, now it is on myself and my children. It took me a long time to realize it, but I finally realized that I could not be 100% for my children if I was not 100% for myself and as long as we continued to live in all of the chaos, I could not be. Unfortunately, I am still not 100% because it is going to take a long time for the healing process to end. In saying this, I am also going to say that I would not wish a life such as this on my worse enemy. It is a long road of recovery for all who are involved. I am using this as part of my recovery as well as some type of closure. I hope that the hands this may fall into finds it to be inspirational as well as educational.


-----Original Message-----
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article
 
Hello, all.  Thanks for this site, Steve.  It has helped me to see that I have done the right thing in my situation.  I hope it helps others in their resolve to go on with their lives and make the best of a tragic situation...
   My story, similar in many ways to others, is this:  Three years ago I met a sweet guy through my church.  Mike had been in prison where my father and some other men in my church would go weekly to hold Bible studies.  Mike had gotten "saved" in a very dramatic way several years earlier in prison.  He was a repeat offender, had been in and out of prison three or four times, and had been given 25 years for burglary and credit card fraud and check fraud---to support his drug habit that began when he was around 17.  Six months into the eight years that he actually ended up serving this last time, he had the conversion experience.  For the next few years Mike sincerely, I believe, had a totally different life.  He was involved in Bible studies and a Christian band, his language cleaned up, he wrote apologies to all he had hurt, attended AA and NA in prison, etc.  When he got out almost four years ago, he came to our church and saw my Dad.  He began going over to my parents' house to play guitar and sing with Dad.  That's where I met him.  I was a divorcee with three small children, trying to do my best to raise my kids well.  He and I became friends, then started dating.  I truly believed he was transformed, and he was so adamant about never using drugs again.  I, being naive about addiction, believed him.  He went into a real estate business with my Dad and was very savvy about business.  We got married.  I thought he was a real gift from God-- my white knight that would take care of my and my children and life would be rosy.  I got pregnant on the honeymoon, which was okay, because he had no children (he was34,I was 39).  Well, soon after our first anniversary, things began to deteriorate.  He was working late hours, and when I would object, he would get mad and stay out all night.  I was heartbroken.  I couldn't believe my new husband would be so cruel as to "punish" me by staying out all night.  Soon he was regularly coming home at one a.m., hanging out in the garage for an hour to "look at mail, etc.", and then taking a bath, eating...  I wondered how he could do this to me....make me his last priority.  Finally one day he staggered in clutching his chest and told me to call 911.  He admitted that he had used crack and was afraid he was having a heart attack.  I got him to a hospital.  Because he was acting extremely paranoid and weird, they Baker Acted him and he was in for three days.  I found out that he had been smoking and injecting cocaine like crazy, for who knows how long, probably a couple of months. (Supposedly one of his coworkers had handed a crack pipe to him when he was down--we had warned him to get rid of Lamar, because he seemed to be doing drugs.  By this time Mike was evidently flirting with the idea of using).He had gone through thousands of dollars that we had gotten in a real estate deal that was supposed to pay off some business debt.  To make a long story short, I thought he got a grip on himself by spending a week with his dad in Georgia, and I believed he was clean for five months, though it was obvious to everyone else that he was still using.  I wanted to believe in him, so I believed all his excuses and stories, though I was utterly bewildered.  He said that "being in recovery" made people act strange, not be able to sleep, etc, and not knowing any different, I believed him.  Finally I gave him a drug test and he put diluted Pepsi in it.  I figured it out and finally realized that my worst fears were true:  he was still using.  His arms were full of tracks (I had even believed his stories about that--that he had been reaching in pipes to fix plumbing, etc. ) He had lost so much weight.  He had staph infection welts cropping up all over.  He had even stolen my checkbook and written a dozen bad checks and even then I had been in denial.  He was such a convincing liar!!  In fact, he was making me look like such a nagging, horrible wife for making unrealistic demands on him to his brother and dad, etc.  When he stole my checkbook again last July 4th, I drove him to a rehab place and promised him we'd make it if he would get better.  He walked out after three days.  I kicked him out permanently. Almost every word he said was a lie.  By then he had a beautiful 1-yr-old and I was pregnant again.
Not even that stopped him.
Since then his dad has totally supported his habit.  He has kept him in the local Ramada Inn, paid his bills, sent him money for all kinds of bogus reasons, supplied him with two cars that have disappeared, bailed him out of jail numerous times.  He hired a lawyer that has kept Mike out of prison by arranging that he go to rehab instead.  Now he has gone to two residential rehabs and after each one went out on binges.  He got out to see me when I gave birth to our daughter, only to stay fifteen minutes and then leave to go use and have his rental car "stolen."  Most recently he went into a halfway program, which I knew would not be enough.  I recently divorced him, partly so I wouldn't be liable for all of his huge debts, partly because I gave up---but have always allowed him to see his kids. He hasn't contributed a penny to his family for over a year.  Now I have five kids! I'm going to file bankruptcy soon.  My babies are beautiful, but it is so tragic that their dad is a crack head.  He is now in jail up in Georgia, and is blaming me for where he is.  He is supposedly on suicide watch.  He is blaming me, his brother, everyone but himself.  I haven't seen or spoken to him for a couple months.  He knows I won't give him a cent.  I stopped doing that July 4th, nearly a year ago.  His dad has now gone bankrupt (but will still probably try to bail him out somehow) and my parents lost at least $200, 000 dollars in their business.  They are just trying to get out of the business with as little more loss as possible.  Their finances are depleted.  I am on food stamps, etc., but my parents are helping me keep the house, thank God. My baby is six months old, and soon I will go back to work.  My first husband is helping as much as he can, which has helped a lot. 
     I have asked myself if I did the right thing to divorce him and to kick him out.  He says I never helped him and that I left him, didn't stay with him through "better or worse".  But Steve's web site comforts me that I did all that I could do.  I'm sure Mike will be in prison again soon, which appears to be the only place he can be sane.  He'll probably have to serve out the other 17 years of his sentence plus what he gets for his last charges of credit card fraud.  God help him.  God help us.
     Stay strong out there!  Salvage your  life and go on past the tragedy.  That's what I'm trying to do.  I WON'T LET CRACK DESTROY MY CHILDREN'S LIVES!  OR MY OWN!          Joy


Sent:

To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article

I am a 30 year old mother of two and have always had my life together.  Last year I fell madly in love with this wonderful father of three, my nickname for him was "superdad" he was so kind, caring and loving. We decided to move in together and get married, life was awesome, we had a great house, a new car, great jobs and 5 great kids.  One day he meet up with on old friend from school they went out for a few drinks and smoked some crack, I will never now why?  But that day changed everything, for a year everything was spiraling out of control, I tried everything I knew of (I was a little naive about drugs) I got his family involved, tried outpatient therapy, but he just could not leave it alone, but in the mean time we managed to hang on to everything, I though if I could just love him a little more.  I promised I would stay by his side and help him. Then on Valentines Day he went out to get me a present and never came home, he decided to buy crack instead, everything has fallen apart, I have lost a house, a car, and three wonderful step children.  I have nothing.  But what hurts the most is I do not have that fun, loving awesome person anymore.  He is now living in a Crack House and I have not seen or talked to him in over a month.  I wake up everyday asking God to give me the strength to go on and be strong, but some days are just to painful and I sometimes want to feel his high, so the pain will go away.  I know one day I will get a call and he will be dead, because Crack kills, his family has given up and wants him to wake up one day and realize he has a problem, I know he never will, Crack is his life now. I must let go now and move on as there is nothing that I can do, Crack is stronger then me.  I have never felt so helpless in all my life and what I would not do to turn the clock back and take that fatal night back.  I praise the people that have gotten help and I pray for all the people that have not and all the people who are going through what I am.  I guess in life you take the good with the bad and pray for better.
 

-----Original Message-----

Sent:

To: steve@crackreality.com

Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article

To Whom It May Concern:

I am the Mother of an 18yr old crack addict. It has been a long, sad miserable road. How can these people steal from the people that love them the most? You give them the best, and they humiliate you and laugh about you behind your back. They tell their friends about how they stole money from family and friends and show no remorse. I see that there are several issues at hand:

1. No morals

2. No remorse

3. Addiction

Does the addiction cause all of this? I am trying to let go after many years of total devastation. I am starting to realize that I must stop the bleeding. The more I try to help this little angel that I brought into this world, the more he hurts himself. My son came from a good family and a good home. He has stolen thousands of dollars from my Mother, my Grandmother, and owes me thousands in legal expenses. My crack addict stole my car last week. I was going to give him a car for his 18th birthday. He stole my car 4 days before his birthday and I have not seen him since. His friends say he is smoking crack in a dirty apartment with cat feces and filth. Nicholas was not raised in this environment. His own friends are telling me to let him go. They are telling me that he talked about hurting us. He has a 9 year old little brother who loves him dearly. I don't know why he would want to hurt us. He said that he would stab me in a parking lot. This is because I would not let him go to a high school basketball game. I know that this was not the truth...he got hostile because I was preventing him from trying to do his crack. I told him that if he wanted to go to the game so bad, that he needed to take all of his belongings with him because he was not welcome to come back. He stayed, but the anger built. I am being told that he will break into our house. I am currently engaged to be married. My fiancée cannot believe all of this is happening. I have to change the locks on our house, get an alarm system activated, and look over my shoulder every minute of every day. I have not slept in days. I don't know how people cope with this. Thanks so much for giving me a place to go to try to relate. It seems that it is human nature to take these types of things personally. Where did I go wrong? My fiancée tells me:

"You gave him love, you nurtured him, you gave him a safe place to live, you believed in him, and now, he must want help to get though life".

It seems that I will be haunted by addicts all of my life...my Dad, my Brother, and my Son. 3 lost souls. Why?


-----Original Message-----
From: Cheryl
Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article

I'm so glad that I found this site.  I am addicted to crack.
I am 37 years old.  I have smoked pot most of my life, I drink alcohol and I've tried various other drugs too, but I have never lost control.  But - for some stupid reason I tried that SHIT crack when I was 36, I guess mostly because I was curious, (and never thought I would become hooked - immediatly) and in just one year,  I've f***** my whole life up. The first week, I smoked half a gram a few times, within a few months I was smoking a couple of grams a night, and near the end of the year, I was smoking an 8 ball in a matter of hours, (all alone, by the way)
 I was one of those so called "perfect" wife's, the "perfect" mom, and I've worked my whole life. I've constantly held a full time job, and also kept my home life in order. I was making $38,000.00 a year at my last job. I've always been (I think) an overly moral human being and if you don't mind me using the old term, I am a bit "square". My "low" or "bottom" has never got to whoring for money or crack (THANK GOD)  but my ultimate low for me was - stealing from my own husband and family, pawning my own wedding ring and various items in our home, losing scary amounts of weight (when I've always been slim to begin with), never eating, never sleeping, lying, quitting a job that I loved, not paying the bills, not cooking meals, not cleaning my house, not giving proper attention to my children, or my husband. I was spending our money that was meant for food or bills or car insurance or mortgage or medication, etc... on my habit, and I quickly pushed everyone I loved, away. 
I've almost lost my husband, my children, and my life. WHY????            I just don't know.
I don't blame my childhood (which was traumatic, by the way) but I don't blame anyone else, but myself, for the asshole that I've been. I feel terrible, how I've could have let this happen to me, and what I've put my loved ones through this past year. I went into a detox center for 5 days to dry out, then entered a 6 week program for addicts, I am attending AA meetings a few times a week and reading thier BIG BOOK and  I go onto the site "Crack Busters" when I can't make it to a meeting and when I am feeling like buying. (It helps!)
I's only been 4 months since I went to detox, (I have slipped 2 times since then)  My husband has paid off some incredible debts that I have caused, gotton some important things out of pawn for me, and is trying hard to forgive and trust me again. 
But there is only so many slips that he is going to put up with (by the way, the last time I smoked, was it), and yet I still want it?! 
I had to get my mind on track, I had to figure out what my weaknesses are. I now know - that It's when I get paid and when I'm bored that are the hardest. It's now been 6 weeks since I touched the crap and I still think about it all the time.
So when that happens I have to fight this devil - really hard.  But I am determined to never touch this shit again. I am so much better than that. I deserve better than that fucked up lifestyle, I am extremely intelligent, very attractive, and loving, So now I've cut all drugs out ( I've quit pot which I said I'd smoke till I was 90). Because,  I have so much going for me and I love what I have. So now I had to resort to giving over my bank card to my husband, I have to show reciepts for everything I buy and I pay the bills in front of him. I call him or anyone else I need when I'm craving to get help me get over it, and I will get over it, but it will be a battle. 
Please,  anyone who is doing crack stop, just stop, it's not easy, but you have to learn to deal with your everyday problems without it, you have to learn to live and enjoy your life straight. it's the only way, that is, if you actually want to live.

Not sure what email address this came under but I'd like to use @msn.com for any replies:

I am 23 years old and dating a recovering crack addict. My parents have drug problems with coke and I had a brief stint with it myself but soon realized I didn't want to end up like my parents. I've known my boyfriend for 8 years and I even knew him at a time when he was well, I think that's why I keep holding on. The past 4 years I've seen him put himself and his family/friends through hell (that includes myself) He has a 3 year old son with a girl I know pretty well. I was there when he was born, my boyfriend (friend at the time) wasn't because he was coming down from being high and too paranoid to go into the hospital. His Ex thinks I'm crazy for being with him and I'm starting to think the same thing. I just see a scared, depressed person who needs help. And I think he is a really good person with a lot of potential and I want to see him be a better parent to his child. He hasn't used crack in a really long time. He has told me on three occasions over the past 7 months that he did a few lines of coke (which I think is just as bad when you're trying to stay off of that stuff). He claimed that if he had someone like me in his life, he could stay clean and get his shit together. He worked for a few months, did a great job and had no complaints, but got laid off. I met his boss before who raved about him, so I know he wasn't lying to me about what a great job he was doing. But things got slow and they let him go. Since then he has made no attempt to find new employment. He still lives at home with his mom and I'm afraid he's going to go back to the drug if he doesn't get out of his routine of doing "nothing". I love him to death but I feel like I'm going to kill myself between the stress and worry I put myself through trying to keep him content so he doesn't relapse or something. How do you walk away from someone you love so much? I don't want to ruin my life, but I hate to think that if I just gave him one more week, month.....etc that things might be ok. I've begun to spend less time with him in hopes that I can slowly let go and move on. He has a personality I can't hate, even when he hurts me. I'm not even sure why I'm submitting this. I don't expect answers or even advice, I guess it's just nice to know that there are other people out there that are going through what I am. I just needed to vent and I thank you for that and your website, I found it some time last week when I really thought no one could possibly understand what I was going through and it has really helped me to put things in perspective. Can't say I'll make the right decision for myself today or even tomorrow, but it feels good to know there are people I can turn to. Funny how you can feel sooooo connected to people you've never even met. Thank you Steve for sharing your story and making it possible for others to share theirs.


Sent:

Hi, I just wanted to drop a line to let people they are not alone. Male 22, I stopped with crack a year ago. I have done some back in high school too. I will tell you what, recovery is unfortunately and officially a lifetime battle. I think about it sometimes but then I remember how much crap I went through. I think experimenting was a good thing but someone should be out there smashing people’s heads against a brick wall because it would’ve done less damage to our body. Well, I can only pray for the unfortunate people with the terrible pain. I know what it feels like. I think I got lucky enough not to get sucked in too much. Just let people know that they are not alone, someone is praying for them and let them know that god helps those who help them selves. Steve, you are right! You probably defined the effects of crack with the best word possible, “unpredictable”. Yes which is scary. I just don’t know how to stress how fucked up the drug is.


Sent:
To: steve@crackreality.com
Subject: Re: General Questions or Comments/Submit an Article

     I just want everyone to know that crack kills dreams,health,love,wealth and self esteem. This is one drug that can make you feel so good about life in general. The longer you use it the more it takes from you and your family. I know first hand what cocaine and crack can do. My family had 2 unexpected tragic deaths in one year. Well that's when cocaine came into our lifes. Drink a few beers do a  few lines. Seemed harmless. We were in control. Yeah right little did we know. This went on for a while buying a gram here and there. Everyone drinking setting around the table playing poker enjoying life. Well then came not being able to snort it anymore tore up the sinuses. Couldnt snort it anymore so, we were introduced to good ol crack! Taught how to even cook it! Still at the time we'd set around smokin and laughing and the more ya smoked the more ya wanted. We'd smoke it and go puke cuz we smoked so much and still come back and set down and hit that stem again. The longer ya smoke it thats when the devil steps in. At first we all thought that we had it under control. Weekenders...Then it got to where it was a couple times a week then more and more untill it was everyday use. The greed steps in. You will steal from your own family to catch a buzz. This drug you can never catch that high or head rush that your looking for. You just want another hit and another and another. There is nothing you wont do for another hit. My sister and her husband were middle aged and had worked hard all their lives to have what they had. Their house was paid off and lived comfortable. As occasional cocaine/crack users everything that they worked for and had dreams for were gone in a puff of smoke. Their friend that was their supplier committed suicide because he was so into it and what ever is in your mind is what you believe. He felt like everyone was after him and that there was no hope. You'd think that after losing a friend to crack that you would quit. No way they went to his funeral high as a kite. Well they did slow down after he died because they didnt have a dealer to deal with. They got in with his dealer. So the occasional drug use really escalated. They hit the big time now. They lived for crack! They didnt care about no one or anything. They quit their jobs and made selling and smoking their job. At first they made some money but the more they got the more they smoked. They secluded their selfs from everyone and everything. They would go in their room and smoke and only people buying could enter their room. They would cook it for you for  a piece of the rock. Hell they would take a piece of it without asking. The greed and the need for that ultimate high turned my family into monsters. I didnt even know my own family anymore. Well they almost went through their whole life savings and decided that it was time for the big score. So they took 20,000.00 dollars all their savings went to the dealer and bought all they could. The plan was to sell it and go back for the big KILO...Well it didnt happen. My sister was setting in her room getting her a buzz when the feds came busting in. They lost everything. They are currently in prison serving their time. Sad thing is I not only lost 2 family members to tragic deaths I also lost what family I had left. The feds took their home,cars,everything!  I'm thankful that if they live out their prison term I will get to have a second chance to have my family back. Drug free or course! Crack reuined their lifes. This drug takes over your mind in a flash! You think you can control it but it controls you. One hit is all it takes! Your hooked! We tryed telling them what it was doing to them and our family and they laughed thought it was funny. They had control and didnt have a problem. If only they would of listened to the people that cared about them. One other thing friends..They had all kinds of so called friends. Not one of my sisters " friends" has wrote to her or went to see her since she's been locked up. Anyone that is involved in crack is your friend untill you dont do it anymore. I'm so glad that none of them kept in contact with her because if and when she gets out I dont want her to have any contact with her so called "friends". My advice to anyone is to never touch cocaine or crack. Its a devil drug and it will take everything and anything that you once cared about away from you. If you are on it believe me get help and get off of it. Your not in control. Look at yourself say a month ago how much were you smoking then? I'm positive that you ask yourself that today and your smoking more now than you were a month ago. It will only get worse. Only you can make that choice of what path you take in life. Turn around and run as fast as you can before its too late......     CRACK KILL DREAMS ........



Sent:

To: Steve
Subject: General Questions or Comments/Submit an Article

Hey Brother!
 
It's been a while since we last corresponded and I wanted to take a moment to wish you a very happy and Crack-Free New Year. Well, that *was* a bit twisted but heck, after the Hell we've been through dealing with our respective addicts a little "Crack humor" isn't out of the question....we still need to laugh! *grin and a warm handshake*
 
My ex called me last on Saturday. I told her that every time I hear from her it screws me up emotionally and she needs to leave me alone because we are done. Her excuse was that she still loves me and needs a "true" friend. She wanted to let me know she's leaving town and that she'll miss me. I told her point blank, for the thousanth time, to leave me alone and forget I exist. She started to cry and ask me why I hated her so much. I lost it completely. I told her she was a pathetic crack whore, a liar, a user and a con artist. I told her to think of me the next time she gets fucked in the ass without a condom for a 60 piece. And although I would never stop loving her she needed to get cleaned up, go ahead and die already, whatever, just forget she ever met me. I told her that I hated her for making my life hell and to leave me alone. I broke down crying and she became hysterical. She begged me to see her one last time before she left. I told her no. When it finally sunk into her head that I wasn't going to see her she hung up. And that was it.
 
I can't begin to tell you how hard it's been to cut her off from my life. She still calls, she still begs for me to see her, and she still claims she loves me. It's not true. I won't let her hurt me anymore.
 
Steve, thanks for the site. It helped me to realize (grudgingly, I might add) that although letting go is hard it is the only way. I grieve for her, but mostly my heart goes out now to people who really have lost a family member or a true loved one to this addiction. The person who is addicted really is gone and unless they seek help you've got to ruthlessly reject them and cut them off from your life. It's the only way to save yourself, and as much as you might love the person it's the only way to try to save them.
 
The tears haven't stopped, and dammit I want this thing to be over. Thanks again for reading.
 


Dear Steve,

My name is nicole, and well wow, i have so much i wanna say but ive never talk about my sitution. well here goes. I'm 19yrs old and am addicted to crack have been since i was 16yrs old everyday until i quit for 34 days. i started using and uesd the excuse i know i can quit now before i didnt.heres my story . my mother is 41yrs and a younger sister 15yrs she is so strong her little sister. well my mom moved me up north from sc when i was 12yrs she met this guy who i thought was a BIG step up from the others. He was a police officer felt good not haveing to lie or be ashamed. 2and a half yrs later i met this guy 1 before dated him he wss old . oh my momther is a crackhead too we get high to toagther we r both escorts and we r killing each others unlike my younger sister never smoked a day in her life i was 15 and i had snorted coke maybe twice my boyfreind and i found a bag of powder in the bathroom so were snorting lines and i get a phone hi this******* co correntail center 4 women my moms in jail telling me to call her bf hes a cop remember i say mom what happen she says i dontg know 15yrs old im calling bail bonds men her bf never called back at the time my mom also had custody of my cousin so thry went to moms friends house. i knew my mom owned a massge palor but never really thought about it i really dont remmberit bothering me well everyone had vanished my bf his mom worked there 4 a couple monthes she didnt do drug though she was premmitly high finally her bf calls he was in jail todu i had to lock him lady got hurt my mom was charged promutoeing and pessesion long story snhort it was in the paper big thing 4 a while my mom still got blow from her source then with all the heat he stop seeing her thats when it started she asked my bf if he knew where to some he was an ex addict he stared at 11 so he would get it 4 her and they would get high together i would do a line here or there but said ill never smoke crack well i have done herion with my mom smome carck everyday i did my 1st trick at 16 with my mom not sexaul but been outta school since i was 16 and done nothing this past feb my mom went to rehab i stayed home she was ther e4 days ausgust she completed a 21 day program here are again i hate myself i hate the way i am i dont know who i am i mean what to do i know i gotta go but i cant this all i know and all i have im scared to be on my own even though i always have can u imagnie what my sister must go though knowing her mom and big sister are crack whores and she thinks my mom and i r close she fells left out GOD its gross i try and say theirs people have it worst truth is i dont know if their is my sister has written me and mom letter s sayiny if could take both of ur addtions away i would and that were hurting her well thiers about 2yrs of a gap but you get the idea i cant bare to reflect on it anymore right now i know until i stopp what ever i say total bs but this is the truth i guess i ve gone the lowest i i could go wherther or not u decide 2 post it thanks 4 reading


Sent:
To: 'steve@crackreality.com'
Subject: General Questions or Comments/Submit an Article

Steve,  

            I've never really shared this story with anyone, but it seems like it would be good to do so.             

My mother and father were 15 and 17 when I was born in Kansas City, Kansas.  Anyone familiar with the area knows that it's a wasteland, so there was little chance that we would ever have any success in life.  I have a wonderful grandfather though, and he bought my dad a Peterbuilt dump truck so that he could work and support his family.  We moved into a trailer park on the outskirts of KCK when I was three, dad worked while mom took care of me and went to KCK community college.            

Dad worked very hard, usually he was out of the house by 5 o'clock in the morning, and didn't return until 5 or 6 at night, he was a good father for such a young man.  He did drink a lot, and used marijuana too, but there was never a big deal made of it.           

The first time I knew there was a problem was when my dad didn't come home for a week and mom would drive me around the city looking for him, but nobody he knew had seen him.  Eventually he came home, but he and mom were fighting all the time after that.              

When I was 8 years old dad wrecked his Peterbuilt, which was our only source of income, and he hadn't been paying the insurance, so there was no money to replace it.  Grandpa bought him an old and beat up old Ford truck, and dad worked that for awhile, trying to support me and mom, and my little brother who was born about a year before he wrecked the truck.  Years later I learned that he was on coke when he wrecked the truck, and had promised mom that he'd quite and everything would be better.  He was gone again within a month of getting the new truck, and left us with no money and no food.  When he came back, his stuff had been on the front lawn for at least a week.  He left without argument, and I didn't see him for two years after that.           

The next time I saw my father was when my grandpa took me to see him at the state prison in Lansing Kansas.  He had been sent to prison for a robbery/rape of a 70 year old woman who lived around the block from my grandfather, but I didn't find that out until I was 15 and found the court papers in my grandpa's bedroom.  I was still only vaguely aware of what a screw up my dad was when he first went to prison, and everyone told me that he'd be better when he got out, and things would be as they were when I was younger.            

Over the next couple of years I wrote and visited dad in prison, and mom graduated from KU and bought a nice house, and tried her best to make up for the man she had kids with.  I was around 13 when my dad got out of prison, and months after that, when he seemed to be making a change in his life, mom let my brother and I spend Christmas vacation with him.  The second day I was with him he took my brother and I to pick up a couple of friends of his, and we spent the next 4 days in a crack house with no food or phone to call for someone to come and help me and my 6 or 7 year old brother.  I remember seeing women suck guys off in the living room, while my dad was out getting money to pay the dealer, leaving us at the crack house.  One girl, who now seems to me must have been 16 or 17 years old would come to the house to buy crack, or more often trade herself for crack, brought my brother and me food a few times while we were there, usually it was those little pinwheel cinnamon rolls.  And once she tried to take us to her mom's apartment, but the guy whose apartment we were at wouldn't let her.  Eventually dad did take me back to grandpas, and mom came and picked us up on the last day of vacation. 

            I went another few years without seeing my dad, until he wound up in prison again, and after he had already served a year of a 26 month sentence, I took my fiancé to meet him just after I turned 18.  He was, of course, very apologetic and very hopeful for the future.  I didn't know much about the addiction and what it did to people, so I was hopeful too.  By the time he got out, we had a good relationship and knew more about each other than most fathers and sons would ever hope to.  

            He was released on September 14th of 1997, the day I got married.  12 months later, when my first daughter was being born, he was in prison again.  I didn't speak to him or see him again until about 10 months ago.   

            Dad had been clean for a couple of months by the time I went to see him.  I didn't actually want to see him, but he was living with my grandfather, and I see my grandpa often, so it was unavoidable.  He was living there with his girlfriend, who he had been smoking crack with for years.  But they both seemed to be doing well, she was trying to stay clean so she could get her daughter out of state custody, and dad was trying to find work.  He had a line on a $28 an hour job with a trucking company, and it seemed that things would be great.  He stayed clean for 9 months, and one day he took his girlfriends car to the store, and never came back. 

Two days after he disappeared, the man with the $28 an hour job that dad had been waiting for called, and said that he was ready for dad to start.  We told him that we weren't sure where he was, and the man told us that dad had until the next day or the job would go to someone else.  My uncle and I decided that this was the only chance that Dad would get to fix his life, as he was 40 now, and didn't have many second chances left.  We spent the next 4 hours driving from crack house, to fence, to crack house, to shitty motel with the help of dad's girlfriend, trying to find him.   

Amazingly, we found him walking down the street at midnight, he had lost his girlfriends car (probably hawked it to a dealer for a rock) and was obviously high when we found him.  We told him about the job, but he was uninterested, though, he did come with us.  

We got him home, and he called the man about the job at 1 in the morning, against our better judgment, but it went okay, and the man said he would be at grandpas at 5:00 in the morning to pick dad up.  Dad went to sleep and my uncle and I had some beers to calm down, and spent the next couple of hours kissing each other asses about what a great thing we did.  

My dad went to work for two days before he went on another mission.  He surfaced a few days later and stole my truck, which was recovered a week later in KCK, being driven by a crackhead friend of my dads who was with dad when he got arrested yet again, and the police had let him take the truck.  The truck was littered with people's mail, credit cards, crack pipes, and clothing stuffed behind the seat.  The clutch was destroyed, the wheel bearings were jacked up, the mirrors had been knocked off, and my only winter coat was missing, a $300 leather coat that had probably been traded for a $20 rock.   

That was last month.  My dad has called me from jail at least 9 times a day; I've not accepted a single charge.  I don't want to tell him anything.  I don't want to tell him to leave me alone, or that I don't like him, or that I hope he'd just die and leave us alone.  I'm 24 years old with two kids, a full time job and I go to the University of Missouri full time at night.  I don't need this shit.  He is hopeless, and it's depressing just to think of him.   

I learned so much that night we went looking for him with his girlfriend.  She told us all of the things that they did to get money, where they sold goods, how they conned people, how my dad pimped out women and took 75% of the money for himself to get crack.  She even said that he had a two minute/two block rule, which is to say that if he was on foot, then he'd walk to blocks before smoking his rock, and if he was in a car he'd drive for two minutes.   He had chosen before to not buy food for his girlfriends daughter so as not to lose money for crack.  This little girl is 5 or 6 years old, and has never known anyone who would sacrifice for her, I've only met her a few times, but she's probably already damaged for life.  I want to cry for her.  Then I think of how sad my brother and I must have looked in the crack house so many years ago, and I want to cry for us too.   

That's my story.  Surely it's over now.  At least for me, not for my dad, probably will never be over for him. 

R. J.



To:
steve@crackreality.com
Subject: I Would Like to Submit This Article

My name is Sue and I am a 50yr old grandma raising her two  grandchildren, I have read all the stories and have gone thru everything shared, My now 25yr old daughter fell in love with a man 8 yrs older than her, he was a crack addict, and her relationship (they never married) with him was always up and down, he would steal ,cheat and lie, and I was always getting teary eyed phone calls from my daughter, with no food or money too pay the rent, when he was off the stuff  he was a great guy and gifted singer, they went to church and he even led praise and worship ,There were times when kept a job and was a good father, after their 2nd baby was two months old, my daughter, and I still don't know why, decided to try crack with the children's father, needless too say  it became necessary last may of this year to take the children from my daughter , at that time Anthony was barely 10months old and his sister was 2yrs and 4mo,My daughter was constantly leaving them with relatives for days on end as well as their having  been evicted out of their last apartment, I was afraid she would let the children's fathers family raise them, who totally enabled their son as well as the grandpa being an active alcoholic. My daughter and his family fought me in court, even thou she had been put in jail for being in a drug house, and another time for prostitution, I won temporary custody and my daughter is in a program with protective services to eventually get them back, at first she tried to keep a job and attend the parent meetings etc ,I was so hopeful , but now she even missed a chance too see them on Christmas, My daughter was once a loving Mom and good person, we were best friends, now she will do anything to smoke crack, the father is in jail now , on multiple charges, and won't be getting out for some time, but my once very much in love daughter , could care less, and is doing whatever on the streets and crashes at my sisters, crying for help, I am sick to death of seeing her like this and not knowing from day to day if I'll get that phone call, saying she's in the morgue, but I am glad I took the children before any real harm had been done  and am looking at adopting them, My life is a lot harder as I'm not so young anymore, but its worth it, I have to say I could never have made it this far if it hadn't of been for Jesus being the center of my life, he has given me the strength and energy to persevere , because of him I stay sane, anyway I'm ever so glad to have found this site, I encourage all grandparents to put their grandchildren above their adult children, There are a number of grandparent web sites that give a lot of info on anything you want to know, My heart goes out to all of you.                                       God Bless, Sue
                                                                            


My name is Suzanne. I fell in love, head over heels with a man after 12 years of being divorced. I knew this man 20 years ago. He was kind, gentle, caring and compassionate. He also lives 2000 miles away. We hooked up while I was visiting my family in Michigan. We had a conversation at which time he told me he was not a "coke head," my son also asked him about cocaine and he said he was not a "coke head." After a period of us traveling back and forth from Michigan to Phoenix Arizona, I quit my job, set up my son and his friend in my house packed a few things and went to help Steve with his business, which was going from paper to computer. Steve had a very successful business that he had worked hard for the previous 8 years. I am a single parent and I have been very stable. It was all good for a while. Steve and I lived in his shop for a couple of weeks while the landlord was preparing our rental. Steve liked to do lines of cocaine and I would indulge as well. One night I said' I am not getting any more high, I am just doing lines" which turned the red light on for me. But I LOVED Steve. I have seen him get so high he thought the police were everywhere, including the heating vents. I thought about my life and children in Arizona and I was sick, torn and beside myself. Determined to MAKE this work I at times put my blinders on. I found Steve snorting oxyconten out of a kitchen bowl in the middle of the night. There were numerous incidents that were tearing me up and Steve always promised no more. I could not look into his eyes and pretend that I believed him any more. He always talked a good line especially when he was stoned. Steve would do cocaine under the pillows at night. There were numerous trips to the bathroom and my ears were tuned in like radar. I knew. When I called him on it he denied. I believed he was hitting the crack pipe but he also denied this. I was so afraid of falling into this lifestyle that I went numb. Every other day he was going to quit. I talked to my son and my son talked to Steve, it was to no avail. This was bigger than him and if I was not careful it would grab me. I was told how if I loved him I would stay, but I could not stay to save my own self and he understood. Well he said he did. Steve also does from 10 to 40 vicodans per day. This man was going to die and I was going to wake up to a corpse. We talked about rehab and the availability and because he is from a small town the option to come to my home in Arizona and dry out with out any body knowing. Steve cashed in his retirement to maintain payroll on his company. He quit opening mail and was not paying bills and was dipping out for his drug habit. I could not help him at this point (never really) and I chose to leave. We tried to be on good terms but we weren't. I am angry that he insulted my intelligence and he is angry because I figured him out. My family thought I had gone certifiable, leaving my job and Arizona. It was our plan to live in both places, this would have been perfect and was very obtainable, but not at that rate of consumption. After I had left and quit my job he asked: would it had made a difference if I would have told you? and of course he did not have the habit until just before he met me. This was a large lie as, he was so clever hiding his habit, that he could not have learned that in that short of a time. Many of the identifying tactics I used I never told him as he would have just become craftier. You would not believe the things he did and the things he thought I believed to surround himself with other users. I am home in Phoenix Arizona now. Hurt, real bad as it had been so long since I fell in love and I was SO in love. I have thought on this and it used to hurt so bad I cried, I just want to fix him. I see the good. I know I can not do that. I pray he will get well and healthy. I do not know if he came knocking on my door if I could resist, but I will not be involved with a person that is that sick. I am afraid for me as well as them.I am jobless now, however I am clean and a little worse for wear but I am getting over Steve and the roller coaster ride. It was an incredible journey and I never have felt so helpless in my life. I am going to put it together, get rid of the anger and move on. I am going to be a little more careful next time, if there is one. I seem to be attracted to people that do drugs and Iam going to work on that. Thanks for letting me share this.


.
Hello-HHJ story

Date:
Time: 23:17:18
Remote Name:
Remote User: huwuni

Comments

Hello, I am new to this board and Steve suggested I tell my story as an introduction. The whole thing is like some unreal daytime drama. I’ll go to the day things started going downhill faster than usual. Feb. 15 2002, I tried to walk into my front door and my husband was immediately there holding the door closed telling me I could not come into my own house. Previously, I had gone to eat with co-workers and he had called to tell me he had arranged for a sitter for our youngest child while he went out with his pool shooting/drinking buddy “V”(did not know yet he is also a CH). The sitter was the girlfriend of the buddy, we will call her “S”. As our house was between the restaurant and V and S’s house I stopped there to change and use my bathroom. This is when I was informed that V and hubby were not out shooting pool but still at my home. I finally got inside and there was a naked whore sitting on my living room floor wrapped in my older sons clean sheets. V had offered to let hubby watch. I told them to get out and I was going to go pick up my child and return. In disbelief, I went to get my 3 year old and ended up sitting there talking with S about what shits they were being. Hubby called and said they were still at the house! Sure was not going to take my boy home with a whore there. As a result of this an their own dysfunctional relationship S & V got very violent. Hubby decided she was in danger and needed to get out of there or it seemed that V would kill her.(After I got to know her, I could see that) She moved in with us for a “short time”-I was thinking a couple of days…turned into 2 ½ months. During which time I found out she is an alcoholic; as is hubby. (was about to leave him over that one and he quit drinking) Her car got repossessed out of our drive way. So then she had no home and no transport. She was supposed to be looking for a job but never seemed to do anything toward that end. Now that I recognize the signs, I am thinking she was sneaking out and getting crack-she would crash for a day after days of frenzied activity. She had a trust fund that would give her $500 a month and that would be gone in nothing flat. V would still come over and try to lure hubby out on the town and I would not even let him near anyone-he brought his new girlfriend over and her friend. One of the high lights of this whole time was when V was out in his mother’s front yard-Oh by the way, his mother is our next door neighbor-he started cussing at them across the yards and one thing led to another and hubby got sucker punched in the face and had to have 15 stitches. I was visiting my family during spring break and come back to a messed up face. She was so grateful to hubby-I caught her being grateful to him. I was throwing her stuff out in trash bags and he was hauling them back inside the gate. Somewhere in all this mess he decides to go to the doctor and get antibuse-Oh yes, he got hepatitis and mono and the doctor told him to stop drinking. Flat on his back for two weeks. Shortly after that he was let go from his job…later he tells me he had been working on getting canned for at least a year. Got the severance pay and decided to go to classes and get his DBA. He had been working at the same company for 16 years. I don’t make a whole lot of money at this point so we are living on the settlement. He is buying her stuff. Even after she is out of the house he sneaks off to see her. Had a key to her apartment and could not see why I told him give me her key or our house but you can’t have both. S’s sister sets her up with an apartment-very shortly there after she has a new boyfriend she met in rehab. “T” has connections down in a rather scary part of town but he can make the deals and his brother “M” can steal the socks off your feet and you still have your shoes on. They teach hubby the phone booths to call from, the code words to use all the subculture crap. “V” was always paranoid and just went and got everything himself. All this time hubby and S are swearing they are just friends. S is also a LIAR-her lips move-she lies. Hubby is lying more and more. One weekend they convince me she has changed since rehab and they all want to come over and help with yard/house work to make amends. T and hubby disappear for most of the day and S and M work their butts off and get real antsy when it takes a while for the deal to get done(I was still clueless at this point) They get back home and immediately go into the garage. I walked in later and there is this awful stench…I don’t know what made that smell…maybe the copper scrubber they used as a filter. Found that around and he finally told me what it was used for. Somewhere on the site I read it was odorless but I could always smell it. Kicked everyone out. Later the cops are called to their apartment-S says T is abusing her-She gets arrested!!!! The Irony is the only person with a job is me and you have to have a job to get a bail bondsman to post bail. I was such a sucker-I went in and signed the paperwork-T got the money together. This is getting long. Sorry, I’ll jump to our 20th anniversary, August 22 he gives me his crack pipe to smash. Says he won’t do it any more. Ha! He is spending more and more and still not working. I transferred everything into an account only I had access to. Changed safety deposit boxes. Changed his cell phone number 3 times. S is a constant talker. The only time S is not talking is when she is asleep. Constantly calling him. She even sends me “happy emails”- I want to B****slap her He is doing all the patterns of staying up all night then crashing all while attending his classes. He still is not certified so I don’t know if he will remember enough to pass the tests or not. He had a wreck down by the dealers part of town. The truck was in the shop and he was still making it down to the dealers on mass transit. I can’t for sure tell you exactly what made me say this is enough-most sane people would have drop kicked him way before. A new job has landed in my lap. I had applied for it this summer as a lark and the first person they hired did not work out. Talk about an answer to prayers. I already had two part time jobs and both those bosses were very wonderful at finding replacements. I will be working the new full time job and one part time job during the month of Dec. to keep my commitments to them. I have had to arrange daycare and neighbors are helping me out, picking up my 10 year old boy. Last Monday I paid the lawyer and they started searching for him to serve him divorce papers. I finally pulled all the money that was in “his” account and told him he had to call the process server and get his papers before I would put any of it back in. He swears he has been trying to get into the free rehab downtown for the past three days. He wants to come and talk to me in person. He wants to see the boys. He realizes what he has lost. It is cold and he is hungry. He will detox and be good. I am so grateful to find this site. Hearing you say-believe what you see not what they say is just what I needed to confirm that telling him no, he can not see the boys in person yet. No, I don’t want to see him in person, the phone calls are bad enough. I do love him-I don’t see the guy I married- this is possession- I see mere glimpses these days. I have to protect my kids! Can’t believe there is only one Nar-anon meeting in an area this large. It is not at a time I can attend. I read my Al Anon literature. But the meetings are just not as intense as this whole thing is. I found this site in a post on a Co-Anon site. Whew, Thanks for being here, hope I didn’t fill the server up with this novel. There is more but I kind of think these are the lowlights.